Vidding identity crisis

[bop_radar]

Recently I've been noticing and trying to trying to deconstruct the many layers of fear I have wrapped around vidding. What's become obvious is how deeply uncomfortable I (still) am with seeing myself as in any way creative. I've known this about myself from the start, and vidding always felt so precious to me as a consequence. But what I haven't always been so conscious of is the degree to which I self-sabotage my creative processes over and over and over again. Because I've been tuning in to the fears recently and trying not to have them, I'm noticing my behaviour patterns--not conscious thoughts, but what I actually do to stop myself. For instance, I recently started making a vid I've had in my head for about two years. If I'm being (terrifyingly!) honest with myself, I could make this vid blindfolded. I know every beat, I know every clip, it's inside me somewhere. For months I've told myself I couldn't make it because I was too angry, I didn't have enough distance. I guess that was true? But I can make it now, and I've started making it, and it's frighteningly easy. So frightening, apparently, that I am doing all sorts of shit to get out of it. So far, during attempted-vidding sessions, I have:
- lost one of the DVDs I needed
- ripped everything the wrong way and had to do it all over again
- got drunk
- started watching other people's vids instead
- got drunk again
- started watching TV eps 'just while it renders' (er, for 30 seconds?) and never gone back to the timeline
- started reading instead
- suddenly decided it was PRESSINGLY important that I do other things on my 'to do' list, even though I'd agreed with myself that putting time aside for vidding was important.

I shouldn't be surprised by this really. I've recently been able to 'talk back' to my inner critic a lot more than I have in the past. Normally I shut down during vidding by overthinking things and by being overly critical of what I've got so far or the legitimacy of the overall project. But I have built up a lot of trust in my self and my process and connected with my love of it, so my inner critic is probably really huffy. So I guess now I've got the harder, more unconscious behaviours to fight?

Thing is, I've had these in me since I was a tiny child. About anything I made ever. I can list dozens of instances when I was a kid when I tore up, smashed, threw away or otherwise destroyed things that I made. Usually the prompt to do so was someone praising it. I ripped stories up when teachers praised them, I smooshed up my little kiddy pottery in art class when my teacher mentioned it as being good to my mother (they made me do it again but it was inferior to the first effort of course), I scribbled over drawings I'd done, I threw out my writing. I gave up dancing when I was told I was good at it and should go into an advanced class.

I can't remember ever thinking this was a problem--in each case I just felt very angry and wanted to show people that my output wasn't good enough in my eyes, which is what really counted, and that they were being patronising and I wouldn't stand for such bullshit. I was also capable of spontaneously generating such anger privately--particularly with visual art, if I drew something that looked terrible (as, let's face it, most kid's drawings do), I would scrunch it up.

Recently I was talking to a friend about this and trying to explain it and I quite calmly mentioned that I could totally imagine deleting all my vids one day in a fit of discontent with them. She was shocked and it actually surprised me that she was shocked, because to me this feeling goes hand in hand with creating something. You can make it, but you might also want to destroy it. That's just how it goes. At least in my brain.

I think this is linked to depression? I'm pretty sure it is, in my case at least. I can make sense of this behaviour when I think that I was considering the pieces as a reflection of myself, and destroying them was an attempt to say 'no! I'm not ok! I hate myself and it makes me so angry and you guys DON'T GET IT!' Which is all kinds of fucked up, yes, but definitely has the hallmarks of the insidious egocentricity and narcissism that infects depression sufferers. It also makes sense as an act of self-sabotage to keep me stuck in depression: don't produce anything good! don't accept praise! just live out a self-fulfilling prophecy as a failure! MUCH safer!

Central to my current struggle is my attempts to reconcile two parts of myself: the vid-lover/vid-viewer part, and the vidder part. I feel completely at home with the first part. I often think I should never have started vidding and just stuck to being a viewer/reccer/commentarist on vids instead. I'm good at that, damn it. And socially it would make me a lot more comfortable in vidding fandom, because I'd be offering something to the community and that always makes me feel a lot more secure. The vidder part just feels so selfish. Like why would I spend time making mediocre vids myself if I could spend the time instead reading other people's masterpieces? It's only ego that would make me do that, right? Only the feeling that I could somehow produce something good?

Well, I'm not so sure that's true. I learnt in the last year just how much I love my own vidding when it's not out there for others to see. It may or may not be 'good' but there are things I want to make, for very personal reasons, and I feel more complete as a person once I've made them. That's a good reason to make them. It may not always be a good reason to show them to others, but I can separate those two decisions.

At Vividcon the two parts of my love for vidding never felt more integrated--probably because I hung around other vidders and we were all both vidders and viewers, and so I got to kind of borrow their comfort with both 'selves'. Also, to be honest, it was reassuring to hang out with people who accepted that I was a vidder (AND vid lover/viewer) and talked to me as an equal without having seen my vids. I honestly felt like my vids didn't have to be me in the eyes of others, which was a fabulous relief. Because I am way more than my vids, but as soon as I started making them I feared that people would dismiss me. Like 'oh, Bop used to write cool meta, but then she became a vidder and turns out she's shit'. What a silly thing to think! If anyone does think that, that's fine, but they aren't my true friends and they can just mosey off somewhere else on the internet with my well wishes.

I honestly think I've spent most of the past four years I've been vidding fighting myself every step of the way. Compared objectively to at least some other people vidding over the same time period I have fewer vids and have grown far less as a vidder. I'm not even sure I've clocked 20 vids. Numbers aren't everything but I do see most vidders improve the more vids they make. Sure, some people seem to explode into vidding with innate gifts, but most of us can grow and learn, regardless of where we start from. Yes, I'm time poor and yes, I'm a slow vidder. But how much of my slowness is self-sabotage and 'freezing' emotionally because I'm so fucking scared of the creative part of myself and so ready to destroy it?

If I was giving advice to someone else in this position, I would tell them it doesn't matter what the quality of the output is, no one should be this self-destructive, you're only hurting yourself. And I'd say that trying to fight the impulse to destroy one's creations (or prevent their creation) is a good thing to do in terms of personal growth, regardless of what it results in. In answer to the 'selfish' argument (that it is selfish of me to spend time on my own work when I could spend it on the work of others), I would say that if no artist was ever 'selfish' no art would ever get made. Perhaps I can strike some kind of bargain with myself: a certain amount of time on vidding, a certain amount on feedbacking etc. But that depends on me actually vidding. I'm hoping this little post will serve as some self-counselling to smack myself into line in that regard.

Comments

[kass]

Oh, my dear, I wish I could make this easier for you! I'm so glad that VVC offered you a chance to feel your vidder self and vidwatcher self integrated, and I'm sorry it's hard to hold on to that feeling now that you're home again.

I often take comfort from Anne Lamott's argument that a shitty first draft just has to exist -- it doesn't have to be good, it just has to BE. Sometimes I write "shitty first draft" at the top of a Word document to remind me that what I'm working on doesn't have to be polished yet, it just has to get finished. I wonder whether something like that might give you a kind of permission to vid without feeling the need to destroy the vid or the process?

[bop_radar]

Well, I can laugh at how ridiculous my behavior is when laid out on paper, so that's a start! :) I do a lot of things like you describe in terms of giving myself permission to have a messy first draft--mostly I think I just need to catch the unconscious behaviours as they are occurring (rather than the next day!).

[mresundance]

This post was ME SO HARD for the last two years (maybe longer . . . it's intermittent) with my writing and somewhat with my vidding. I have noticed I have subtle but very creative ways to sabotage myself. Like browsing the internet before writing in the morning, telling myself I'll just check my email. Two hours later I'm still dinking around on youtube! *facepalm*

VVC was so good for me personally and creatively. It's made me increasingly aware of how important my creativity is and how important is it that I am happy during at least some part of my creative process, and, in many cases, actively excited about creating. It's a huge shift though, because I've been fighting myself and my inner critic since grad school. I know, logically, that creative work is not always a picnic and sometimes it is hard work. But all it has been for nearly two years is hard work, without any fun or play. It's all been serious business and I have not wanted to write because of that.

I think I learned so much in grad school (including how to be be the best writer I can possibly be) but some of the things I learned have become impossible baggage. Like wondering what my tutor would say and wondering what my peers might say about something. It becomes an endless cycle of hearing negative criticism that isn't even there - it's just my inner critic feeding off my insecurities.

A friend of mine from grad school, who is the most amazing writer I have ever read, period, keeps telling me how good I am and I never really understand it. I am seldom willing to admit that.

As for the self-destructive part of creativity . . . I think any creative person who is honest with herself or himself is going to have that impulse and recognize that they do. And I think it is something that every creative person has actively contemplated at some point. I imagine torching everything I've written would be really really really therapeutic. We are needy and sometimes egotistical, narcissistic creatures, methinks, we creative types. We are secretly never secure in what we've done and never satisified.

At least, most of the creative people who are serious about their work are not, as far as I've experienced. My mom has quizzed me time and time again and demanded why nothing is every good enough for me. My only response is that it simply isn't and that's the way it is. Personally, if I rest on my laurels and pat myself on the back, what's to push me to learn and do better?

But on the negative side of that - and that's what you talk about in this post - the undermining your own creativity with this "demand" and self-criticism. It's a balance, I find, between letting my inner critic some space - enough space - and letting my inner child remember this is supposed to be so gleefully fun you'll forget about everything else for the next two or three hours.

In short: creative work of any kind is hard. But we creative types are also really creative about making it harder on ourselves, methinks.

[mresundance]

Also, being creative IS selfish. It's really like intellectual/artistic masturbation. :P But it's also very much a calling on some levels. If you deny the muse it will only be worse for you in the end, as you said. So in some ways it is an active acknowledgment and choice - to be selfish, to horde yourself away from the world for long periods of time to be alone. And ultimately, it's to make something that you very much desire to see or read. Toni Morrison says if there is a story out there you want to read, you should write it yourself. I think one of the most base creative impulses is the need to tell a story we desperately want to read or see, but haven't.

And I think this "selfishness" is balanced by a sense of that calling I spoke of - that what you do is something that is beyond even your choice on some levels. You must. Or part of you surely does die and you are a less whole and healthy person without it.

So, I guess from that POV it's more like self-love than selfishness. And being brave enough to love those that crazy, creative and selfish part of yourself as best as you are able. If that makes sense.

[bop_radar]

Also, being creative IS selfish. It's really like intellectual/artistic masturbation.
It is, isn't it!

I'm not sure (at least right now) if it would be therapeutic for me to destroy my finished work (appealing as it is!). I think there is greater strength in being able to look back at where you've come from and being able to accept imperfections. Most of the time once my work is actually finished I can do that! I just stop myself creating new stuff a lot.

I had a really strong reaction to your comment, which is probably a sign of how screwed my brain is, but I definitely still have a huge part of me that rejects any idea of such a 'calling'. Other people have those! Not me. ;) Yet, if VVC taught me one thing it's how much vidding means to me! I think, truthfully, it SCARED me how much. And I'm trying to mentally work out how I be true to myself in this regard while also juggling all the rest of life.

Thanks for replying. :)

[mresundance]

Haha, the idea of "being called" doesn't need to be all mysterious or mystical or high and mighty like a religious calling. It's really just shorthand for the entire creative impulse - that you MUST create - and that you have a story you must tell. It's not complicated and could really be very base on some levels.

Maybe you don't feel you have that in you, but as a vidder - I'm assuming you must. All the evidence suggests as much, especially some of the comments you made in this post. You have that need to tell a story or create something, if for no other purpose than you have to and it's a story you want to tell.

[bop_radar]

Right! That makes sense! Thanks for breaking it down. I think the fact I had a strong reaction probably shows that your comment was kind of a breakthrough in changing my thinking. I find every time I get close to tackling whatever inside me wants to stop me creating stuff it flies up in front of me waving its arms screaming 'NO!!! DON'T LISTEN TO THIS!!! IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!' Hee!

I got a good few hours of actual vidding done last night so this whole calling-myself-on-my-issues must be working! :)

[cee_m]

I've never had the inclination to destroy the vids and things I've created but I get this like woah.

"Like why would I spend time making mediocre vids myself if I could spend the time instead reading other people's masterpieces?"

I guess the whole point is, can you be happy with other people's creations or do you always feel the need to create your own?

*hugs*

[bop_radar]

Ah! Nail on the head! Straight to the point! I like it. :)

Maybe I should write myself some kind of reminder note about why I vid. :p (NO ONE ELSE WOULD MAKE THIS!)

[cee_m]

Yes. I'll cross stitch it into a pillow for you. :)