This post was ME SO HARD for the last two years (maybe longer . . . it's intermittent) with my writing and somewhat with my vidding. I have noticed I have subtle but very creative ways to sabotage myself. Like browsing the internet before writing in the morning, telling myself I'll just check my email. Two hours later I'm still dinking around on youtube! *facepalm*
VVC was so good for me personally and creatively. It's made me increasingly aware of how important my creativity is and how important is it that I am happy during at least some part of my creative process, and, in many cases, actively excited about creating. It's a huge shift though, because I've been fighting myself and my inner critic since grad school. I know, logically, that creative work is not always a picnic and sometimes it is hard work. But all it has been for nearly two years is hard work, without any fun or play. It's all been serious business and I have not wanted to write because of that.
I think I learned so much in grad school (including how to be be the best writer I can possibly be) but some of the things I learned have become impossible baggage. Like wondering what my tutor would say and wondering what my peers might say about something. It becomes an endless cycle of hearing negative criticism that isn't even there - it's just my inner critic feeding off my insecurities.
A friend of mine from grad school, who is the most amazing writer I have ever read, period, keeps telling me how good I am and I never really understand it. I am seldom willing to admit that.
As for the self-destructive part of creativity . . . I think any creative person who is honest with herself or himself is going to have that impulse and recognize that they do. And I think it is something that every creative person has actively contemplated at some point. I imagine torching everything I've written would be really really really therapeutic. We are needy and sometimes egotistical, narcissistic creatures, methinks, we creative types. We are secretly never secure in what we've done and never satisified.
At least, most of the creative people who are serious about their work are not, as far as I've experienced. My mom has quizzed me time and time again and demanded why nothing is every good enough for me. My only response is that it simply isn't and that's the way it is. Personally, if I rest on my laurels and pat myself on the back, what's to push me to learn and do better?
But on the negative side of that - and that's what you talk about in this post - the undermining your own creativity with this "demand" and self-criticism. It's a balance, I find, between letting my inner critic some space - enough space - and letting my inner child remember this is supposed to be so gleefully fun you'll forget about everything else for the next two or three hours.
In short: creative work of any kind is hard. But we creative types are also really creative about making it harder on ourselves, methinks.
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branchandroot
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Date: 2010-09-20 02:42 am (UTC)VVC was so good for me personally and creatively. It's made me increasingly aware of how important my creativity is and how important is it that I am happy during at least some part of my creative process, and, in many cases, actively excited about creating. It's a huge shift though, because I've been fighting myself and my inner critic since grad school. I know, logically, that creative work is not always a picnic and sometimes it is hard work. But all it has been for nearly two years is hard work, without any fun or play. It's all been serious business and I have not wanted to write because of that.
I think I learned so much in grad school (including how to be be the best writer I can possibly be) but some of the things I learned have become impossible baggage. Like wondering what my tutor would say and wondering what my peers might say about something. It becomes an endless cycle of hearing negative criticism that isn't even there - it's just my inner critic feeding off my insecurities.
A friend of mine from grad school, who is the most amazing writer I have ever read, period, keeps telling me how good I am and I never really understand it. I am seldom willing to admit that.
As for the self-destructive part of creativity . . . I think any creative person who is honest with herself or himself is going to have that impulse and recognize that they do. And I think it is something that every creative person has actively contemplated at some point. I imagine torching everything I've written would be really really really therapeutic. We are needy and sometimes egotistical, narcissistic creatures, methinks, we creative types. We are secretly never secure in what we've done and never satisified.
At least, most of the creative people who are serious about their work are not, as far as I've experienced. My mom has quizzed me time and time again and demanded why nothing is every good enough for me. My only response is that it simply isn't and that's the way it is. Personally, if I rest on my laurels and pat myself on the back, what's to push me to learn and do better?
But on the negative side of that - and that's what you talk about in this post - the undermining your own creativity with this "demand" and self-criticism. It's a balance, I find, between letting my inner critic some space - enough space - and letting my inner child remember this is supposed to be so gleefully fun you'll forget about everything else for the next two or three hours.
In short: creative work of any kind is hard. But we creative types are also really creative about making it harder on ourselves, methinks.