Boppy's Journal

I just realised the vid connection point for a song I've been listening to for over a year obsessively. *FLASH* Suddenly the entire vid is brought to life before my eyes... and of course it's for a source I would loooooove to vid but never have. *heart thud*

If only I could take time off from the world and make it... at least my inner mind can build castles ...

ETA: *relistening* HOLY SHIT, this is THE song for this source!!! *immediately YouTube searches to see if it exists*

Source: Bomb Girls
Pairing: Betty/Kate
Song: Rosebud
Artist: The Jezabels
Summary: It always seems you can't turn round once you choose to ride...
Notes: It was difficult to know how much of Kate's backstory to include in this, but since this is a Betty-POV piece, I found it better to allude to most of it rather than to show it overtly. Nevertheless, this piece does contain spoilers for all episodes to date (2.6). I am rusty, rusty, rusty as a vidder but enjoyed the chance to vid a Jezabels track (so much love for them!).

I have a new show!

Bomb Girls - Canadian show about women working in a bomb factory in World War II. Great cast, pretty decent writing, and it well and truly aces the Bechdel test.

Is anyone else watching it?

Betty's my favourite, with Kate and Gladys runners up, but I enjoy all the characters to some degree.

And now I have an excuse to vid one of my favourite tracks ... whee! Even if I do have to kind of pinch and squeeze to make it work ... Please give me more footage, show! March 25 = too long away! Plus another idea for an ensemble piece.

Inspiration = yay!

In the last months I suffered a breakdown (panic attacks) and relapse of my depression. At times I've been so disconnected I had no idea who I was and my thinking has been paranoic and distorted (but I don't recognise it as such at the time). However I have lucid times as well and still hope to be able to stay off medication.

So I haven't been in a place or time where I had a lot to give to other people (hence lack of posting here). But in my searching for ways to help myself and give myself hope that I can see this through, I've come across a couple of resources that might be of interest to others who suffer from depression, anxiety or other mood disorders:

optimismonline These guys have an app where you can track your symptoms and the various ways you look after yourself (sleep, exercise, supplements, etc). You can customise it with the techniques you are trying so you get an idea over time what is really making a difference. This seems really ideal to me in terms of self-monitoring, on or off medication.

curetogether This site gathers data from people who actually have various conditions who report on how useful they found various treatments. The results are compiled as here for depression:
http://curetogether.com/blog/2011/05/03/23-surprisingly-effective-treatments-for-depression-one-year-later/
VERY useful to bust the myth that medication alone is a solution. Obviously there is no one-size-fits-all solution to depression as it's such a blanket term that covers a lot of different things, but it's a great way of seeing that there are many ways to support ourselves (most of these can be combined, after all!). And which ones are fucking useless--alcohol and caffeine!! (And some fairly useless medications!)

smilingmind An Australian initiative to promote meditation, especially among young people. It's a very userfriendly, accessible introduction to meditation with the advantage that you can use it on your computer at work in short breaks. Meditation has been instrumental for me--when reducing my medication and now to recover. Absolutely everyone benefits from it--the key is to learn how very easy it really is!

( my own list of most effective treatments so far )

So... you know how I posted a couple of months ago saying 'whee! I am off meds and all is AMAZING AND GREAT!'? Yeeaaaaaaaaaaah.... slightly premature, hence my long silence.

There followed a couple of weeks of excruciating pain and rising panic and anxiety. Without going into too much detail, I never want to live through that again. At least it will be a strong motivator never to go on that poison again.

Of course, I had (typically) attempted to do ALL THE THINGS in the month where I finally got to zero so crazy physical and emotional shit aside, I've also been rather busy. Edited several large projects for work plus my best friend's novels (soon-to-be ebooks). Had m_a_r_i_k_s visit (so much excitement!) and as well as hanging out and seeing some sights, helped her make a music video (zero experience on my part so it was one of the most insanely stressful but coolest things I've ever done). Crashed my car in the middle of said filming (thankfully no one injured but car nearly totalled). Learnt a few life lessons in the process.

Then there were a few weeks where I slept or lay on the sofa in a kind of comatose state of shock. I am just emerging...

Fannishly, I'm ... not fannish. Or at least it's at a 5-8 year low or something ... Better to be honest about that I think. Although, m_a_r_i_k_s and I watched The 10th Kingdom (looooove) and the third season of Farscape (ALL THE FEELINGS :((((((((((((((((() while she was here. However in terms of current fandoms I'm just not that engaged and unlikely to be so quickly.

But I do miss vidding and I am pleased to see the vids coming out of Vividcon right now...

I didn't log into my fandom email account for months so it was kind of TERRIFYING. O.O I forgot that one of the reasons I stopped doing so was that the vast deluge of comments I receive on 'I'm Not Yours' (especially in the wake of Lip Service Season 2) is very bad for my mental health. :( There were one or two gems (ah YouTube comments, never change in your whimsy and bad spelling...) but wading through offensive, ignorant, emotional or unthinking comments about a show and characters I'm still heartbroken over is not fun. I guess it was good to face it because it's been a hidden pain/fear.

On the positive side of things... I've now been off meds for a couple of months. Physically I feel great, emotionally I feel more resilient than ever before, even though I've had quite the number of emotional crises in that time. Not a single one of them made me consider reaching for medication. I feel great about that and especially grateful for the liberation from side effects which I'm starting to experience--notably my low blood pressure issues are markedly better, I shake less and I lost a couple of kilos without really noticing (ok that was probably partly due to the intense filming schedule but I'll take it!).

So that's me. How are you guys????

PS. I have strangely been missing Smallville lately. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE FINALE THIS HAS HAPPENED.

OK, so I haven't been whining about this at all online, but I'm finally, finally getting to the end of my medication withdrawal and I could really use some thoughts/hugs/support (if anyone remembers me, LOL!).

Short version: I've been on antidepressants for over 10 years and am finally coming off them. I'm down to 25mg of Effexor (from 300mg once upon a time). It's taken over 6 months to get from 150 mg to 25. I'm on Day 3 of 25mg and it's not fun--pains, nausea, aches, chocolate cravings... :p (ok the last bit is not so bad except I think chocolate is not so great for nausea, right?). I am determined to get through it because i have HAD IT with doing this slowly... it just draws out the agony. I'm hoping I can get to zero in a couple of weeks.

Emotionally, I'm feeling strong but just FED UP with it. I have racing thoughts, anxiety (raised heart rate) and nightmares right now but based on previous experience, this is just a result of dropping the medication another step--not a permanent state.

I really wish I didn't have to work--I'd just quit it completely and crawl into bed and be sick for a couple of weeks and then be done. But I can still do this right? I'm planning to reduce to 12.5 next week and then ZERO the week after. That's fast compared to how I've done the other 'drops' but what the hell. I keep thinking 25mg is NOTHING. They don't ever prescribe less than 75mg here anyway... so it can't be actually doing much (other than giving my overly addicted body some fake sense of normalcy!).

Anyway, any kind of cheer at this time would be most welcome!

This episode review is coloured by the fact that I know spoilers for the rest of the season, so don't read it if you're not spoiled.

( good things happen to good people )

Hmmmmmm. Yet another unpopular fannish opinion from moi. None of the contained-herein opinions are meant as offense to anyone (of the many millions!) who loves this show. Carry on! Be well in your fannishness! I am happy for you. But just can't agree. ;)

Summary of post: Game of Thrones, I'm not feelin' it. Season 1 was (just) OK. Season 2 is kinda tanking for me.

( thoughts up to 2.3 beneath the cut )

At this stage I think I'm going to bail on the show. I was kind of hanging on to see if Brienne would be the saving grace, because I did love her so much in the books, but it looks like she won't be.

I'm so sorry, queenofthorns! I sincerely hope you get your Jaime/Brienne vid... but looks like it won't be from me.

Title: No Light, No Light
Artist: Florence and the Machine
Source: Battlestar Galactica
Summary: "Tell me what you want me to say!" - Kara
Acknowledgments: Without m_a_r_i_k_s this vid would not exist. The work she did on it goes far beyond 'regular' beta-ing and audiencing. While it is my vision, it is m_a_r_i_k_s who gave me the space to create it and held that space for me when I faltered. Thank you, dearest!
Download: 76 MB mp4 (zipped)



Notes: These notes get lengthy, and I'd prefer if you didn't read them until you've watched the vid (and no need then either if not so inclined!. They're really a personal record of what it took to be able to make this. ( vidding Kara )

APOLOGY: Sorry to everyone that watched and downloaded the first version with the shitty aspect ratio! It is corrected now.

( What's been going on for me in the last six or so months )

Vividcon... I rolled over my membership, so I can, in theory, attend this year (I'm registered) but financially it's going to be a streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch. I'm not ruling anything out yet though. It's cool to see everyone getting hyped for it anyway. :) And since I got over my Club Vivid anxiety last year (memo to self: always to just do it anyway, YOU ALWAYS FORGET, DUMBFACE!), I have signed up again for this year and am having a blast with my idea. I'm not completely convinced I'll actually have a vid by the due date but the journey is fun so far. :)

( shows and stuff )

( bonus anecdote: Bop re-enacts part of the BSG finale against her will )