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bop_radarI haven't updated my journal in so long, largely because the latter half of 2011 saw me falling victim to a horrible bout of workaholicism. It was initially 'necessary' to deal with some financial problems, but it wasn't easy to turn around the tidal wave of work once it was started. Freelance life has its traps as well as its perks. I also had some absolutely *horrible* projects to work on so life was a bit of nightmare for a while. There wasn't any time for any sort of social/relaxation life, let alone fannish life. I'm starting to recover from that now.
Despite that, there have been a couple of very significant personal changes in my life. The first is that after ten + years, I'm coming off anti-depressants. There is obviously a lot more to say about this (and I have occasionally wanted to post about it), but overall I'm very pleased with how things have gone so far, especially considering the work stress I was under simultaneously. It's by no means over yet (Effexor is such a bitch of a drug withdrawal-wise, even titrating down gradually), but I've halved my dosage (just!) over the last three-four months.
Related to this, I've started meditation and qigong practice regularly. This is absolutely changing my life, and is a huge part of what makes me feel 'safe' enough to take this big step re. the meds. For a long long time, I thought I would be a lifer on drugs. I should make it clear: the reasons I didn't want there were because of the side-effects. If I can't or couldn't recover without drugs then I wouldn't be contemplating this, but basically qigong/meditation is giving me tools that I can use with which to handle the physical/emotional/spiritual aspects of depression. There are days when I still fear it won't be possible to be drug-free, but overall I feel more optimistic than ever before.
There's a hell of a lot of emotional processing to do with all this though! I am grateful for having amazing friends and support around me.
Vividcon... I rolled over my membership, so I can, in theory, attend this year (I'm registered) but financially it's going to be a streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch. I'm not ruling anything out yet though. It's cool to see everyone getting hyped for it anyway. :) And since I got over my Club Vivid anxiety last year (memo to self: always to just do it anyway, YOU ALWAYS FORGET, DUMBFACE!), I have signed up again for this year and am having a blast with my idea. I'm not completely convinced I'll actually have a vid by the due date but the journey is fun so far. :)
This is the very very short version!
Vampire Diaries: bored now
Community ditto
The Good Wife: still love it, absolutely adore the acting and some of the writing, but think it's been patchy in terms of structure and overall plot this season
Nikita: really enjoyed the first half of the season and the Nikita and Alex character work, but Percy bores me
Dexter: Still watching (crankily, as I think the writing is horrible and I hate Dexter) due to my EPIC AND EVERLASTING affection for Deb. I'll be watching til the last hideously frustrating moment... Jennnifer Carpenter is just so mesmerising.
Downton Abbey: Loved the first season, adore Mary, but thought the second season was crap - really really hated the melodrama. The tight, intimate character work of season 1 was completely undermined.
Once Upon The Time: I got sucked into watching this thanks tom_a_r_i_k_s flipping out about 1.7 (see her vid: Tell Me What the Rain Knows) and now I can't get back out! I foolishly told her I liked Emma best and it became a running joke that I love her and somehow this had the effect of making me fall hopelessly for Emma, and now I am stuck watching this shitty show every week. :((( I hate Rumpel and Regina and all the rest, Mary Margaret and Charming drive me mad, and I really only like Emma, Henry (and Graham), and yet ... (here's hoping I can break the hold at some point as I really don't think the signs are there that the writing will pick up, though I wish it would)
I think that's all... oh, I mainlined Veronica Mars at some stage, fell for Logan (predictably) and found Veronica a very fun character to love-hate.
In my attempt to dredge up something of interest fannishly for people, I shall relate this little story...
So I am on Skype withm_a_r_i_k_s one day and suddenly I hear this strange scrabbling, flapping noise in the background. I jump up to see what it is, as does my slow-on-the-uptake pup. Pup and I stare in disbelief as we realise a pigeon is trapped in the kitchen, battering itself against the window. Pup immediately goes into a frenzy of barking, as I return to Skype to explain this bizarre turn of events.
Bop: OMG!! There is a PIGEON in my kitchen!!!
m_a_r_i_k_s: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA PIGEON AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAAHA!!!! PIGEON!!!!
Bop: *dawning realisation* SHUT UP, IT'S NOT FUNNY!
The next ten minutes or so are spent with me chasing a pigeon round the kitchen flapping a teatowel frantically, as m_a_r_i_k_s sits back and enjoys this free entertainment. I finally get the thing to scoot out the door, I retrieve the dog from the laundry, where I had banished him, and I flop back down on the sofa to resume our conversation.
Just as my heartbeat is returning to normal and I am managing to join in at least *some* of the BSG joking, I hear a noise that makes me think I'm in some kind of Groundhog Day scenario: Yup, PIGEON MARK #2. TWO PIGEONS!!
Bop: Wait .... ::horrified face:: ... I think there is ANOTHER ONE!
m_a_r_i_k_s: ::completely loses it::
Bop: ...
m_a_r_i_k_s: ::pulls herself together enough to offer some backseat-pigeon-wrangling:: I really think you should get a broom this time!
Apparently the first pigeon was not sufficiently reminiscent of BSG: Pigeon #2 was trapped in my bathroom, which has a skylight and a very high ceiling, and so the scuffling around did indeed bear uncanny resemblance to a certain much-hated scene. There was also a lot more swearing the second time. And once I finally got it out, the damn bird just flopped tiredly on the back decking and I had to go outside and flap some more at it.
Bop: OMG, JUST FUCKING LEAVE ALREADY!!!!!!
m_a_r_i_k_s: ::still lol-ing::
The weirdest thing is that both pigeons must have been in the house for some time because I hadn't opened any doors or windows for hours. Somehow they got in and stayed quiet until those *particular* moments. Who knew pigeons had such finely tuned timing?
I should add that ever since this incident my dog will regularly trot into the bathroom optimistically looking for pigeons. His little dog mind now thinks: PIGEONS--CAN EMANATE AT ANY TIME FROM BATHROOM! I've tried explaining to him that they're just bad metaphors, but he isn't having any of it. ;)
Despite that, there have been a couple of very significant personal changes in my life. The first is that after ten + years, I'm coming off anti-depressants. There is obviously a lot more to say about this (and I have occasionally wanted to post about it), but overall I'm very pleased with how things have gone so far, especially considering the work stress I was under simultaneously. It's by no means over yet (Effexor is such a bitch of a drug withdrawal-wise, even titrating down gradually), but I've halved my dosage (just!) over the last three-four months.
Related to this, I've started meditation and qigong practice regularly. This is absolutely changing my life, and is a huge part of what makes me feel 'safe' enough to take this big step re. the meds. For a long long time, I thought I would be a lifer on drugs. I should make it clear: the reasons I didn't want there were because of the side-effects. If I can't or couldn't recover without drugs then I wouldn't be contemplating this, but basically qigong/meditation is giving me tools that I can use with which to handle the physical/emotional/spiritual aspects of depression. There are days when I still fear it won't be possible to be drug-free, but overall I feel more optimistic than ever before.
There's a hell of a lot of emotional processing to do with all this though! I am grateful for having amazing friends and support around me.
Vividcon... I rolled over my membership, so I can, in theory, attend this year (I'm registered) but financially it's going to be a streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch. I'm not ruling anything out yet though. It's cool to see everyone getting hyped for it anyway. :) And since I got over my Club Vivid anxiety last year (memo to self: always to just do it anyway, YOU ALWAYS FORGET, DUMBFACE!), I have signed up again for this year and am having a blast with my idea. I'm not completely convinced I'll actually have a vid by the due date but the journey is fun so far. :)
This is the very very short version!
Vampire Diaries: bored now
Community ditto
The Good Wife: still love it, absolutely adore the acting and some of the writing, but think it's been patchy in terms of structure and overall plot this season
Nikita: really enjoyed the first half of the season and the Nikita and Alex character work, but Percy bores me
Dexter: Still watching (crankily, as I think the writing is horrible and I hate Dexter) due to my EPIC AND EVERLASTING affection for Deb. I'll be watching til the last hideously frustrating moment... Jennnifer Carpenter is just so mesmerising.
Downton Abbey: Loved the first season, adore Mary, but thought the second season was crap - really really hated the melodrama. The tight, intimate character work of season 1 was completely undermined.
Once Upon The Time: I got sucked into watching this thanks to
m_a_r_i_k_s flipping out about 1.7 (see her vid: Tell Me What the Rain Knows) and now I can't get back out! I foolishly told her I liked Emma best and it became a running joke that I love her and somehow this had the effect of making me fall hopelessly for Emma, and now I am stuck watching this shitty show every week. :((( I hate Rumpel and Regina and all the rest, Mary Margaret and Charming drive me mad, and I really only like Emma, Henry (and Graham), and yet ... (here's hoping I can break the hold at some point as I really don't think the signs are there that the writing will pick up, though I wish it would)I think that's all... oh, I mainlined Veronica Mars at some stage, fell for Logan (predictably) and found Veronica a very fun character to love-hate.
In my attempt to dredge up something of interest fannishly for people, I shall relate this little story...
So I am on Skype with
m_a_r_i_k_s one day and suddenly I hear this strange scrabbling, flapping noise in the background. I jump up to see what it is, as does my slow-on-the-uptake pup. Pup and I stare in disbelief as we realise a pigeon is trapped in the kitchen, battering itself against the window. Pup immediately goes into a frenzy of barking, as I return to Skype to explain this bizarre turn of events.Bop: OMG!! There is a PIGEON in my kitchen!!!
m_a_r_i_k_s: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA PIGEON AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAAHA!!!! PIGEON!!!!
Bop: *dawning realisation* SHUT UP, IT'S NOT FUNNY!
The next ten minutes or so are spent with me chasing a pigeon round the kitchen flapping a teatowel frantically, as m_a_r_i_k_s sits back and enjoys this free entertainment. I finally get the thing to scoot out the door, I retrieve the dog from the laundry, where I had banished him, and I flop back down on the sofa to resume our conversation.
Just as my heartbeat is returning to normal and I am managing to join in at least *some* of the BSG joking, I hear a noise that makes me think I'm in some kind of Groundhog Day scenario: Yup, PIGEON MARK #2. TWO PIGEONS!!
Bop: Wait .... ::horrified face:: ... I think there is ANOTHER ONE!
m_a_r_i_k_s: ::completely loses it::
Bop: ...
m_a_r_i_k_s: ::pulls herself together enough to offer some backseat-pigeon-wrangling:: I really think you should get a broom this time!
Apparently the first pigeon was not sufficiently reminiscent of BSG: Pigeon #2 was trapped in my bathroom, which has a skylight and a very high ceiling, and so the scuffling around did indeed bear uncanny resemblance to a certain much-hated scene. There was also a lot more swearing the second time. And once I finally got it out, the damn bird just flopped tiredly on the back decking and I had to go outside and flap some more at it.
Bop: OMG, JUST FUCKING LEAVE ALREADY!!!!!!
m_a_r_i_k_s: ::still lol-ing::
The weirdest thing is that both pigeons must have been in the house for some time because I hadn't opened any doors or windows for hours. Somehow they got in and stayed quiet until those *particular* moments. Who knew pigeons had such finely tuned timing?
I should add that ever since this incident my dog will regularly trot into the bathroom optimistically looking for pigeons. His little dog mind now thinks: PIGEONS--CAN EMANATE AT ANY TIME FROM BATHROOM! I've tried explaining to him that they're just bad metaphors, but he isn't having any of it. ;)
no subject
Date: 2012-02-20 12:53 pm (UTC)And eee, Vividcon -- I hope you can find a way to manage it!
(Also, I fell for Logan too. Though I also adored Weevil, and have shipped Veronica with each of them, and in fact all three of them together a time or two.)
no subject
Date: 2012-02-21 02:03 am (UTC)Oh, yeah, I liked Weevil a lot also!! Great character! And the dynamic between all three was great. Awww, look at that icon! ::ships::
no subject
Date: 2012-02-20 03:53 pm (UTC)Congrats, too, on getting some perspective on work/life balance. That is HARD, particularly when you freelance, and particularly in a down economy.
Mostly: I REALLY hope I see you at VVC this year!
no subject
Date: 2012-02-21 02:08 am (UTC)Yeah, work/life balance is really tough. I realise now that enthusiasm swept me through my first couple of years, but now that freelancing is the 'norm' for me it's much harder not to fall into traps with it. I also have discovered I really want to shift my freelancing to more interesting/creative work but I really lack confidence about my ability to do so, so it's a struggle.
Ohh, I'd so love to make it and see you again! I think honestly it's not very likely, but there is a chance and a couple more months before it will become completely clear whether it will happen or not, so for now I just soldier on and leave the door open!
no subject
Date: 2012-02-23 02:48 am (UTC)This sentence is music to my...eyes: It's like rediscovering life all over again!
How wonderful that you feel that way! May you hold onto that feeling always. And I hope it helps guide you into a feeling of safety within the creative risks you want to take. Mindfulness can do that, if you let it.
I will continue to hope that you make it to VVC, even knowing it's unlikely. (:
no subject
Date: 2012-02-23 12:31 pm (UTC)May you hold onto that feeling always. And I hope it helps guide you into a feeling of safety within the creative risks you want to take. Mindfulness can do that, if you let it.
Thank you! It is strong at the moment, especially, as I spent the weekend with my qigong group and I still feel very at peace. I can imagine how mindfulness could lead there... learning also not to rush things and then get disappointed or crushed is also important for me, learning to be where I am and not beat myself up about it. I'm learning that when I accept the present situation it can then transform... whereas fighting it, wanting to be somewhere else NOW, has the opposite effect, perversely.
I am trying to remain open to future possibilities without getting too attached (and then crushed)! Thank you for the shared hope!
no subject
Date: 2012-02-20 09:39 pm (UTC)Could you tell me more about the meditation you're doing -- how you got into it, how it's affecting your life, etc.? I've been dealing with a lot of stress/anxiety/depression lately, and have been wondering if some kind of meditation practice would be a good thing for me as well, but it's not something I know a great deal about. I'd love to hear about your experiences there, if you wouldn't mind. (Email me?)
On a wholly other note, Vampire Diaries is my new guilty pleasure; I'm halfway through season 1 and loving it.
no subject
Date: 2012-02-21 08:01 am (UTC)(ohh, yes, TVD makes a great guilty pleasure! for a long time there it was heaps of fun for me: enjoy!)
no subject
Date: 2012-02-20 10:05 pm (UTC)Coming off your meds must be such a huge step for you. I'll keep my fingers crossed that it keeps going well for you. What kind of meditation are you practising, if that's okay to ask?
Aaaand in pigeon related news I'm dying over here. That story is just too funny!
no subject
Date: 2012-02-21 06:10 am (UTC)I'm glad you liked the pigeon story! ;)
no subject
Date: 2012-02-21 06:33 am (UTC)Sorry to hear about horrible projects - hopefully the current projects are yay!
I still haven't finished watching BSG (last I got stuck somewhere in S3), so I don't recognize the scene, but it does reminds me of the times a bat got in the house when I lived in the States!
no subject
Date: 2012-02-23 12:34 pm (UTC)A bat! That would be quite alarming. I've had a baby possum in the house. That was quite difficult also but at least I could throw a teatowel over it. Flying things are harder to catch!
no subject
Date: 2012-03-04 08:20 pm (UTC)