![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
2009 Vidding Meme
Squeezing in under the bell for 2009...
Summary: My third year of vidding was a bitch. :(
Vids made in 2009, by date of completion
OMG YOU GUYS, I ONLY MADE THREE FUCKING VIDS. NO WONDER I'M SO MISERABLE!!!
OK, I also made a vidlet and a few commentaries but they don't really count...
June = DLZ (Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, ensemble) BLESS ITS COTTON SOCKS.
August = Hooker (Gossip Girl, Jenny-mocking) Fun but no one watched. *shrug* I like vidding for small markets, I think.
November = Capital G (True Blood, Eric/Godric) Meh. But people liked it = yay!
That is SERIOUSLY UNDERWHELMING. I hadn't even realised! I mean I know I've felt really stalled with my vidding but I think the number of unfinished vids on my harddrive has been disguising the truth from me somewhat.
The rest of this meme is going to be seriously boring! It can be summed up by saying that I think DLZ is THE SHIT as far as my vidding goes.
I vote DLZ my most underappreciated vid because it is AWESOME, people. Seriously, you don't know what you are missing... :p Nah, it's not for everyone and I am really totally fine with that. I heart its small fanbase to pieces. It was also the hardest vid, though Capital G proved deceptively so as well--it was meant to be my light, throwaway piece but then demanded more than I felt I had as a vidder. :/
Hooker is interesting to read as the most unintentionally telling vid. It's really just a silly bit of fun (though I love that it pissed someone off so much they gave it one star on YouTube! *g*), but it does reflect the fact that I lost my emotional centre in terms of where I vid from. I didn't have love for ANYTHING in August this year, but I did have a fair bit of bitchiness. ;) And I hate social climbers. Gah.
Biggest vid fail
Hahaha, can the whole year be fail? I think a lot was going on for me creatively and personally and it feels like 2009 was a transition year for me. I struggled a lot with shifting from being in fandoms and happening to vid to being in... well, vidding fandom, I guess, since I don't really *have* an active fandom any more. (BSG broke me, Smallville derailed.) Turns out that is a LOT less fun. (Personal opinion, obviously) I also started the year absolutely batshit desparate to learn more and grow as a vidder and I learnt absolutely f-all. I blamed myself for nine tenths of the year and vidding fandom for about a tenth (yeah, that wasn't very nice of me--it's not like vidding fandom owes me shit, but I was BITTER and THWARTED, goddamn it!). In the end, I turned down the one offer I got of help because it would have come with strings, and I am happy with my decision on that, but I'm still left thinking 'hmm, how DO I actually get better at this?' In the last month or so this is starting to shift into 'oh fuck getting better at it, just make some vids! Stop being a perfectionist bitch!'
What this meme does not cover
I actually think I had a lot of breakthroughs in 2009 that are not apparent in my vidding yet. One was realising that vidding really mattered to me--mattered enough to stay here in fandom even without a fandom, mattered enough to put up with crazy politics and elitism, mattered enough to keep trying to do something more positive with myself even when I was really miserable and sad. It was actually really hard to admit that vidding meant that much to me. I had to admit to myself I was heartbroken to miss Vividcon, that I was lonely in the fandom, that I had no idea how to *be* in the fandom really... and all at a time when I had less motivation to vid than ever before and when everything I felt inspired to vid (mostly very dark, vitriolic BSG) was nothing anyone would want to watch. It was very confusing.
Then I think I had a huge breakthrough about audiences. I had always been puzzled by the way popularity works for vids, and I guess I'd bought in without realising it to the idea that the more popular your vid was, the better it was. I can say definitively and with my whole heart now: I don't think that is the case AT ALL. I guess I always knew that yet I sort of still wanted popularity? Now? I really don't. I got more satisfaction out of making vids with very specific audiences in mind this year than I did out of going for huge popular audiences in the past. When a vid matters to ME I will be 100 times more satisfied deep down even if it only gets 10 comments than if a vid that doesn't matter to me gets 100. I don't mind in the slightest if people disagree with me but I don't think my most popular vids are my best work, and I wouldn't be surprised if there are other vidders out there who find the same thing. I've made peace with that and I am happy with my decision not to send DLZ to Vividcon where it would have been constructed as a failure rather than safe in my heart where it is my only real accomplishment of the year.
Then there was all the social stuff... Gah. So I made that really controversial post after Vividcon. It was important to me in terms of being honest in the fandom, but I did NOT realise how big it was going to get. I kind of thought (oh so naive) that there would be other posts dealing with other aspects of the inclusion/exclusion issue (most of which are much more important than my little personal gripes) but alas, instead, my post kind of fell in the spotlight. I really wish more people at spoken up, but I also learnt just how scared people are. The amount of anon and private messages I received in those couple of weeks was startling.
After that I felt a lot of guilt and at the same time I felt like I could do something positive to help the community, regardless of how well my vidding went, and I want to carry that (though not the guilt!) forward into 2010. It was a real 'no one else will be bothered so just do it yourself thing'. So... the plan is vid chats up and running again, organise an Aus vidding get-together, potentially organise a UK gettogether for Mar/Apr 11. I've got to say that is REALLY daunting. I don't really have the self-belief required yet, I think, but somehow I have to find it. I do have the will, so I guess I hope stubbornness will get me over the line? o.O
I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. I think that's the biggest challenge for me in the year ahead. Basically after my big controversial post I just heaped all the problems on myself and have felt really overwhelmed as a consequence. I feel constantly guilty that I'm not helping people, and ironically that just makes me more likely to avoid doing the things I wanted to do to help. I need to get out of that mindset somehow or I won't accomplish anything.
On a final, minor-sounding but actually major point: I posted a vid to a comm for the first time and it was a great experience. :) That was a block I used to have!
For 2010
I want to make some vids. Ones I like. I want to stop procrastinating. May 2010 be Bop's Year of Vidding Productivity!
Summary: My third year of vidding was a bitch. :(
Vids made in 2009, by date of completion
OMG YOU GUYS, I ONLY MADE THREE FUCKING VIDS. NO WONDER I'M SO MISERABLE!!!
OK, I also made a vidlet and a few commentaries but they don't really count...
June = DLZ (Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, ensemble) BLESS ITS COTTON SOCKS.
August = Hooker (Gossip Girl, Jenny-mocking) Fun but no one watched. *shrug* I like vidding for small markets, I think.
November = Capital G (True Blood, Eric/Godric) Meh. But people liked it = yay!
That is SERIOUSLY UNDERWHELMING. I hadn't even realised! I mean I know I've felt really stalled with my vidding but I think the number of unfinished vids on my harddrive has been disguising the truth from me somewhat.
The rest of this meme is going to be seriously boring! It can be summed up by saying that I think DLZ is THE SHIT as far as my vidding goes.
I vote DLZ my most underappreciated vid because it is AWESOME, people. Seriously, you don't know what you are missing... :p Nah, it's not for everyone and I am really totally fine with that. I heart its small fanbase to pieces. It was also the hardest vid, though Capital G proved deceptively so as well--it was meant to be my light, throwaway piece but then demanded more than I felt I had as a vidder. :/
Hooker is interesting to read as the most unintentionally telling vid. It's really just a silly bit of fun (though I love that it pissed someone off so much they gave it one star on YouTube! *g*), but it does reflect the fact that I lost my emotional centre in terms of where I vid from. I didn't have love for ANYTHING in August this year, but I did have a fair bit of bitchiness. ;) And I hate social climbers. Gah.
Biggest vid fail
Hahaha, can the whole year be fail? I think a lot was going on for me creatively and personally and it feels like 2009 was a transition year for me. I struggled a lot with shifting from being in fandoms and happening to vid to being in... well, vidding fandom, I guess, since I don't really *have* an active fandom any more. (BSG broke me, Smallville derailed.) Turns out that is a LOT less fun. (Personal opinion, obviously) I also started the year absolutely batshit desparate to learn more and grow as a vidder and I learnt absolutely f-all. I blamed myself for nine tenths of the year and vidding fandom for about a tenth (yeah, that wasn't very nice of me--it's not like vidding fandom owes me shit, but I was BITTER and THWARTED, goddamn it!). In the end, I turned down the one offer I got of help because it would have come with strings, and I am happy with my decision on that, but I'm still left thinking 'hmm, how DO I actually get better at this?' In the last month or so this is starting to shift into 'oh fuck getting better at it, just make some vids! Stop being a perfectionist bitch!'
What this meme does not cover
I actually think I had a lot of breakthroughs in 2009 that are not apparent in my vidding yet. One was realising that vidding really mattered to me--mattered enough to stay here in fandom even without a fandom, mattered enough to put up with crazy politics and elitism, mattered enough to keep trying to do something more positive with myself even when I was really miserable and sad. It was actually really hard to admit that vidding meant that much to me. I had to admit to myself I was heartbroken to miss Vividcon, that I was lonely in the fandom, that I had no idea how to *be* in the fandom really... and all at a time when I had less motivation to vid than ever before and when everything I felt inspired to vid (mostly very dark, vitriolic BSG) was nothing anyone would want to watch. It was very confusing.
Then I think I had a huge breakthrough about audiences. I had always been puzzled by the way popularity works for vids, and I guess I'd bought in without realising it to the idea that the more popular your vid was, the better it was. I can say definitively and with my whole heart now: I don't think that is the case AT ALL. I guess I always knew that yet I sort of still wanted popularity? Now? I really don't. I got more satisfaction out of making vids with very specific audiences in mind this year than I did out of going for huge popular audiences in the past. When a vid matters to ME I will be 100 times more satisfied deep down even if it only gets 10 comments than if a vid that doesn't matter to me gets 100. I don't mind in the slightest if people disagree with me but I don't think my most popular vids are my best work, and I wouldn't be surprised if there are other vidders out there who find the same thing. I've made peace with that and I am happy with my decision not to send DLZ to Vividcon where it would have been constructed as a failure rather than safe in my heart where it is my only real accomplishment of the year.
Then there was all the social stuff... Gah. So I made that really controversial post after Vividcon. It was important to me in terms of being honest in the fandom, but I did NOT realise how big it was going to get. I kind of thought (oh so naive) that there would be other posts dealing with other aspects of the inclusion/exclusion issue (most of which are much more important than my little personal gripes) but alas, instead, my post kind of fell in the spotlight. I really wish more people at spoken up, but I also learnt just how scared people are. The amount of anon and private messages I received in those couple of weeks was startling.
After that I felt a lot of guilt and at the same time I felt like I could do something positive to help the community, regardless of how well my vidding went, and I want to carry that (though not the guilt!) forward into 2010. It was a real 'no one else will be bothered so just do it yourself thing'. So... the plan is vid chats up and running again, organise an Aus vidding get-together, potentially organise a UK gettogether for Mar/Apr 11. I've got to say that is REALLY daunting. I don't really have the self-belief required yet, I think, but somehow I have to find it. I do have the will, so I guess I hope stubbornness will get me over the line? o.O
I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. I think that's the biggest challenge for me in the year ahead. Basically after my big controversial post I just heaped all the problems on myself and have felt really overwhelmed as a consequence. I feel constantly guilty that I'm not helping people, and ironically that just makes me more likely to avoid doing the things I wanted to do to help. I need to get out of that mindset somehow or I won't accomplish anything.
On a final, minor-sounding but actually major point: I posted a vid to a comm for the first time and it was a great experience. :) That was a block I used to have!
For 2010
I want to make some vids. Ones I like. I want to stop procrastinating. May 2010 be Bop's Year of Vidding Productivity!
no subject
I had to double check that you really had made and published 3 vids this year, and not more – you've had so many projects in various stages of development that I was sure the true number was more like 5 and 6. Of course, this means that I think you're going to have a bow-wave of vids appearing next year, as all of these partwork projects become complete vids.
Of course, some of the best advice you gave me when I spent six or eight weeks procrastinating about vidding was to just sit down and start vidding. I think there's been so much vidding angst going on at various levels that you've not been able to do exactly that yourself as much... but I can definitely associate with the lack of a defined show-fandom to vid into resulting in a feeling of disconnection. In your case, I think you've always been a great believer in the vidding fandom, but I think it's a very difficult fandom to actually get that feeling of mutual support, encouragement and inclusiveness that something like a big show-specific vidding fandom does. If you vidded BSG, there was always a strong core group out there whose first reaction was "yaaaay!!" and which had things in common with you, something absent from the larger, more general vidding fandom.
And then there's the whole vidding fandom kerfuffle, of course. I think your post was a big watershed event, and I know how much it was preying on your mind; I'm sure it helped a lot of people, even though it also caused a certain amount of upset. It meant a lot to me on a personal level even though I resorted simply to talking to you, rather than making lots of comments on LJ after my first. I think my issue with the vidding fandom boils down to this idea I have that a vidding community should be about vidding, about enjoying vidding and encouraging vidding. The established community that you've wanted so much to be able to find that support network, that inclusive group that wants to help vidders grow and develop their individual visions, isn't what it should be; instead, there seems to be a lot of bitchiness, a lot of politics, a lot of desire to be in control and to be perceived as being the ultra-PC and worthy group. I hate that. The issues going on around your post cemented why I'm never going to be a member of that vidding community, even barring issues like gender. What you've really done this year is similar to what you did last year – you've encouraged others, you've grown as a vidder and you've remained passionately dedicated to vidding. I think those are great things to take forward into 2010!
Now get vidding. I may not have watched TSCC, but it was a powerful vid for me emotionally... that makes it a big success in my book. Make more!
no subject
I knooooow! I had to check too! It was quite a shock. I don't know about all those part-made vids though... many of them feel like the moment has passed.
to just sit down and start vidding
Ahh, that IS good advice! I really need to start vidding regularly again. i used to just as habit, but then I built up a lot of angst around it.
t's a very difficult fandom to actually get that feeling of mutual support, encouragement and inclusiveness that something like a big show-specific vidding fandom does
Yeah, there's nothing like the cosiness or familiarity or sense of all being invested in the same thing. Yet it feels like there *should* be, and I see plenty of people talk about it as if there is...
I totally agree with you about the vidding fandom/kerfuffle issues. I wouldn't undo what I did, but the emotional journey before and after that post was really disorienting and exhausting (which you know already). At least I have my eyes open now and my naivety gone and I'm a lot more zen. Things are how they are. I can only change my own behaviour and I'm trying.