bop_radar | 2009 Vidding Meme

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2009 Vidding Meme

Squeezing in under the bell for 2009...

Summary: My third year of vidding was a bitch. :(

Vids made in 2009, by date of completion
OMG YOU GUYS, I ONLY MADE THREE FUCKING VIDS. NO WONDER I'M SO MISERABLE!!!

OK, I also made a vidlet and a few commentaries but they don't really count...

June = DLZ (Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, ensemble) BLESS ITS COTTON SOCKS.

August = Hooker (Gossip Girl, Jenny-mocking) Fun but no one watched. *shrug* I like vidding for small markets, I think.

November = Capital G (True Blood, Eric/Godric) Meh. But people liked it = yay!

That is SERIOUSLY UNDERWHELMING. I hadn't even realised! I mean I know I've felt really stalled with my vidding but I think the number of unfinished vids on my harddrive has been disguising the truth from me somewhat.

The rest of this meme is going to be seriously boring! It can be summed up by saying that I think DLZ is THE SHIT as far as my vidding goes.

I vote DLZ my most underappreciated vid because it is AWESOME, people. Seriously, you don't know what you are missing... :p Nah, it's not for everyone and I am really totally fine with that. I heart its small fanbase to pieces. It was also the hardest vid, though Capital G proved deceptively so as well--it was meant to be my light, throwaway piece but then demanded more than I felt I had as a vidder. :/

Hooker is interesting to read as the most unintentionally telling vid. It's really just a silly bit of fun (though I love that it pissed someone off so much they gave it one star on YouTube! *g*), but it does reflect the fact that I lost my emotional centre in terms of where I vid from. I didn't have love for ANYTHING in August this year, but I did have a fair bit of bitchiness. ;) And I hate social climbers. Gah.

Biggest vid fail
Hahaha, can the whole year be fail? I think a lot was going on for me creatively and personally and it feels like 2009 was a transition year for me. I struggled a lot with shifting from being in fandoms and happening to vid to being in... well, vidding fandom, I guess, since I don't really *have* an active fandom any more. (BSG broke me, Smallville derailed.) Turns out that is a LOT less fun. (Personal opinion, obviously) I also started the year absolutely batshit desparate to learn more and grow as a vidder and I learnt absolutely f-all. I blamed myself for nine tenths of the year and vidding fandom for about a tenth (yeah, that wasn't very nice of me--it's not like vidding fandom owes me shit, but I was BITTER and THWARTED, goddamn it!). In the end, I turned down the one offer I got of help because it would have come with strings, and I am happy with my decision on that, but I'm still left thinking 'hmm, how DO I actually get better at this?' In the last month or so this is starting to shift into 'oh fuck getting better at it, just make some vids! Stop being a perfectionist bitch!'

What this meme does not cover
I actually think I had a lot of breakthroughs in 2009 that are not apparent in my vidding yet. One was realising that vidding really mattered to me--mattered enough to stay here in fandom even without a fandom, mattered enough to put up with crazy politics and elitism, mattered enough to keep trying to do something more positive with myself even when I was really miserable and sad. It was actually really hard to admit that vidding meant that much to me. I had to admit to myself I was heartbroken to miss Vividcon, that I was lonely in the fandom, that I had no idea how to *be* in the fandom really... and all at a time when I had less motivation to vid than ever before and when everything I felt inspired to vid (mostly very dark, vitriolic BSG) was nothing anyone would want to watch. It was very confusing.

Then I think I had a huge breakthrough about audiences. I had always been puzzled by the way popularity works for vids, and I guess I'd bought in without realising it to the idea that the more popular your vid was, the better it was. I can say definitively and with my whole heart now: I don't think that is the case AT ALL. I guess I always knew that yet I sort of still wanted popularity? Now? I really don't. I got more satisfaction out of making vids with very specific audiences in mind this year than I did out of going for huge popular audiences in the past. When a vid matters to ME I will be 100 times more satisfied deep down even if it only gets 10 comments than if a vid that doesn't matter to me gets 100. I don't mind in the slightest if people disagree with me but I don't think my most popular vids are my best work, and I wouldn't be surprised if there are other vidders out there who find the same thing. I've made peace with that and I am happy with my decision not to send DLZ to Vividcon where it would have been constructed as a failure rather than safe in my heart where it is my only real accomplishment of the year.

Then there was all the social stuff... Gah. So I made that really controversial post after Vividcon. It was important to me in terms of being honest in the fandom, but I did NOT realise how big it was going to get. I kind of thought (oh so naive) that there would be other posts dealing with other aspects of the inclusion/exclusion issue (most of which are much more important than my little personal gripes) but alas, instead, my post kind of fell in the spotlight. I really wish more people at spoken up, but I also learnt just how scared people are. The amount of anon and private messages I received in those couple of weeks was startling.

After that I felt a lot of guilt and at the same time I felt like I could do something positive to help the community, regardless of how well my vidding went, and I want to carry that (though not the guilt!) forward into 2010. It was a real 'no one else will be bothered so just do it yourself thing'. So... the plan is vid chats up and running again, organise an Aus vidding get-together, potentially organise a UK gettogether for Mar/Apr 11. I've got to say that is REALLY daunting. I don't really have the self-belief required yet, I think, but somehow I have to find it. I do have the will, so I guess I hope stubbornness will get me over the line? o.O

I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. I think that's the biggest challenge for me in the year ahead. Basically after my big controversial post I just heaped all the problems on myself and have felt really overwhelmed as a consequence. I feel constantly guilty that I'm not helping people, and ironically that just makes me more likely to avoid doing the things I wanted to do to help. I need to get out of that mindset somehow or I won't accomplish anything.

On a final, minor-sounding but actually major point: I posted a vid to a comm for the first time and it was a great experience. :) That was a block I used to have!

For 2010
I want to make some vids. Ones I like. I want to stop procrastinating. May 2010 be Bop's Year of Vidding Productivity!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Well first off, I LOVE DLZ. I have a horrible feeling I may have failed to comment and tell you at the time (it was a crazy time of year for me) but that's my bad and dude, it's awesome. I can't imagine how it would have been construed as a failure at VVC, but if you say it would have been then power to you for keeping it safe elsewhere because it's one of my favourite TSCC vids ever. <3

I also wanted to say I really understand the problems with vidding with no fandom. It's really tough. I've largely been avoiding that issue so far by very slowly creeping away from BSG (which broke my heart too), but my response to its Epic Failure was to, um, go kind of insane and try to reclaim it with various vid-related shenanigans (including Very Bitter Stuff - srsly, if you make those vids, I can promise you at least Four Whole People who will be excited about it!) rather than running and hiding, but I'd be lying if I said my first impulse wasn't exactly that.

I'm glad to hear that vidding is important to you; I want to see more vids from you! But I understand how hard it is to learn to function in the vidding community rather than as a vidder in a particular fandom; it's not a transition I've managed in anything but the smallest ways, and I would be okay with that...if I had a fandom. But I do think it sounds like yeah, you've been doing so much positive thinking about what's going on that you'll be better placed to do what you want to do in 2010 - to make all this work for you somehow.

Re: Vidukon. I am not the most organised person in the world, and have certainly never tried help out with anything as big as this before, but I'm gonna put it out there and say, if you need help with stuff, let me know if there's anything I can do? I'm not exactly sure what you WOULD need help with, but, um, I want to offer practical help anyway. It's something I'd be interested in attending and therefore interested in helping make happen. Probably you already have UK-based people helping out and I will not be in the slightest offended if you don't get in touch as a non-specific offer of some-type-of-help isn't exactly all that useful. But it is sincere. So if there's anything you need anyone to check out or do to help with this, let me know and I'll see what I can do. Plus on the offchance it happens in Cardiff (which I by no means expect, even though obviously I'd be excited by that), I do live here so I might be able to help in various practical ways with that even if just by offering to meet people at train/coach stations and playing sherpa to get them to wherever the venue is.

Hee! Thanks, I'm so glad you liked DLZ!! I know you are a discerning fan so that means a lot. ;)

(I hear even the most action-based TSCC vids elicited groans at VVC.)

It's really tough.
ISN'T IT!!

my response to its Epic Failure was to, um, go kind of insane and try to reclaim it with various vid-related shenanigans
I think you did very well to keep trying with that... I disengaged entirely, rather like recoiling from having been scalded, but I have all this BSG-related trauma still piled up inside me that is unexpressed. In retrospect, I think it would have been better to get it out of my system. I've also realised belatedly that there are, as you say, a small number of people who would totally be up for bitter, vitriolic, RDM-hating vids. ;)

I would be okay with that...if I had a fandom
SAME! Gah. The world should make new awesome TV so that we could both feel a lot more comfortable again. ;)

Thank you SO MUCH for the offer of help with Vidukon. I think the situation we have is a small number of people who are very keen and committed to attend. I doubt we'll get a big group but I personally think that's ok? The Aus gathering will be even smaller so in my mind it's no obstacle. Cardiff has a lot of support! So yeah having some locals would be good, I think.

Haha, it's kind of you to say "discerning" instead of "really effing picky" which I think is maybe more accurate at times. ;) But either way, it's a fantastic video - so much of it's awesome, including the way it encompasses so much of the entire show and escalates brilliantly (to brilliant music), and I really love the way you use the "terminator static" to make those transitions. /belated feedback.

(I hear even the most action-based TSCC vids elicited groans at VVC.)

Seriously? O_O Wow. That makes me sad inside. *snuggles TSCC vids closer and wishes she had the guts to make one* ONE DAY!

As to BSG it's a tricky question. I can undoubtedly recommend making a ragey vid as a marvelous cathartic experience. I also got a lot of satisfaction from literally re-editing and AU and am now at the point where I'm learning to view every vid I make for the show as a vindication of my show rather than...whatever it was RDM was writing at the end of that trainwreck, but...it's still a process. I cannot say for certain that I found closure. You did what you needed to do at the time. Perhaps at this point you're able to see some of the more negative effects of disengaging completely but at the same time, when you did it, it may have been what you needed. Only idiots keep their hands in scalding water.

So I guess what I'm saying is, if you can never bring yourself to vid BSG again, it's probably not worth forcing the issue. But if you find yourself with something to say in vid form - even, or perhaps especially, something angry and bitter - then say it and you'll probably feel better for it?

Then again, I view my vids as part of my ongoing dialogue with the show just as much as fic or meta or ep reaction posts or any other discussion. Sometimes they are as complex as "SQUEEEE!" or "ARGH!!!!" and sometimes they're so complicated I probably shouldn't be trying to vid it. ;) But...it's just more things I have to "say". I think everyone does this to a degree but I think it's also the depth in which I'm rooted in that approach that maybe makes it so hard to vid without a fandom? Why I don't feel that vidding is my fandom? I feel more that vidding is the way I like to "speak" about my fandom(s)? And again, some shows I have drive-by "HELLO, SQUEE, GOODBYE!" reactions to in vid form (like SW: Clone Wars) and others I have long, loving, angry and complicated conversations with (like BSG).

*waves hands uselessly* In there somewhere is a point about relationships with vids, shows, vidding fandom, BSG fandom and how RDM is a giant jerk but I think I lost the thread...

In sum, vid what you feel like and it will rock. <3

SAME! Gah. The world should make new awesome TV so that we could both feel a lot more comfortable again. ;)

ALSO THIS.

As to Vidukon, firstly YAY! Support for Cardiff! :D But also I agree that probably having a smallish gathering is just fine. It'll keep it less intimidating, easier to organise, mean it's less likely people who want to attend won't be able to. I think it might well also foster a more relaxed atmosphere? I mean, I don't know since I didn't go to the first Vidukon so I don't know what that was like but...just as a random opinion, small isn't bad. I definitely want to go though, and I'm working on at least one and possibly two other people to drag with me (though I am far less certain financial constraints and travel would be feasible for them).

Anyway you're very welcome to the offer for help - it's absolutely my pleasure to do so - just drop me a line when you need something done!

instead of "really effing picky" which I think is maybe more accurate at times. ;)
Hee! I think being picky is a great thing, especially when it comes to a source you really appreciate and have a relationship with. It's an indication you really know both yourself and your taste, and also the source.

That makes me sad inside.
I know! I have to hope it was only a small segment of the audience but it's disheartening to hear... it's still weird to me that TSCC didn't acquire a bigger following, though its fanbase is very loyal so that is nice.

Psst, you should make a TSCC vid!!

Yeah, navigating the whole how-do-we-process-the-BSG-trainwreck thing is really tricky. Every choice has its pros and cons, I think. You should feel proud that you're starting to see your vids as a vindication of *your* BSG--ultimately I'd love to get to such a place, but it's pretty damn hard since the canon veered off so wildly from what I first thought it was.

I feel more that vidding is the way I like to "speak" about my fandom(s)?
Yeah! I think I feel that too! And I found it DEEPLY disorienting to find out that many people who see themselves as being in 'vidding' fandom *don't* really see it that way at all. I also feel like a lot of my vids make best sense within their own fandoms, rather than in a wider context. That may be true for a lot of vidders... but it makes the idea of vidding fandom kind of ... weird.

small isn't bad. I definitely want to go though, and I'm working on at least one and possibly two other people to drag with me
Excellent! I know it's hard for a lot of people to commit definitely and all personal circumstances vary, but I like the idea of a small group too and get the sense it could be a postive thing too.

a small number of people who would totally be up for bitter, vitriolic, RDM-hating vids

Oooh oooh me ME. Is there an emoticon for raising your hand on your tiptoes?

o|

Okay, no. But there should be.

A small but fervent number. :)

Hee! It's so funny that everyone I've mentioned this too in passing so far has responded enthusiastically! ;) I seriously underestimated other people's continued need for catharsis... :p

Perhaps I should revisit the 'fuck you, Ron!' vid idea...

Just woke up, sitting over my first mug of coffee of the day while trawling the net and waiting to wake up...but this needs a response. I am a complete newbie in this community and therefor my perspective might differ from other people's, but here are my thoughts on your meme:

[q]OK, I also made a vidlet and a few commentaries but they don't really count...[/q]

To me your commentary to Middleman was one of the most important vids I'v come across this year. You managed to put your motivations, intentions and considerations into words so well and I learnt so much from this commentary that it most definately should count. To me, vidding is not just about making vids, it is a very reflective activity, reflection on a show, reflection on fandoms and reflection on one self. However, the reflection is often more implicit than explicit and therefor I value good commentaries more than good vids.

[q]Hooker (...)does reflect the fact that I lost my emotional centre in terms of where I vid from.[/q] Following on what I said above I admire the fact that your vids do not only reflect on the shows you vid but also on where you are at as a vidder!(And it's a fun vid to watch!!!!)

[q] I struggled a lot with shifting from being in fandoms and happening to vid to being in... well, vidding fandom, I guess, since I don't really *have* an active fandom any more.[/q]

I find this interesting since I found that vidding a show that I do not feel overly fannish about is easier because I feel less restricted by canon, fandom opinion and my reading of the show. I am free to play with the characters and have some fun.... But I get how not having a strong connection to a character or a show puts you in a totally different place as a vidder and can be a really lonely place. Can I offer you a box full of hugs and also say: I am dying to see loads of dark, vitriolic BSG vids from you.....

[q] Then I think I had a huge breakthrough about audiences. I had always been puzzled by the way popularity works for vids, and I guess I'd bought in without realising it to the idea that the more popular your vid was, the better it was. I can say definitively and with my whole heart now: I don't think that is the case AT ALL.[/q]

I so with you on that one. I just have to look at the Box Office top ten, music charts and - some - elections to remind myself that what most people want is not necessarily high quality...

[q]Then there was all the social stuff... Gah.[/q]

I am so sorry to hear that this was a negative experience for you. For you post was very important, as a newbie the a lot of the other stuff that came out of Vividcon turned me really off vidding as a community and I was close to just turning around and walking away. Your post was one of the few that seemed to come from a place of balance, reflection and reason (rather than politics, hype and hostility) that I really could relate to. Unfortunately the net has a tendency to hone in on a individual posts/people and make them into champions of a cause without there consent, and I am really sorry that it was an uncomfortable experience for you rather than empowering. Your remark that you wished that more people had spoken out publicly actually prompted me to respond to your post, being mindful that my outsider voice does not carry any particular umphhh...

So, to bring an over-long, rambling post to it's overdue end:
Have fun with whatever you do!
You don't owe anything to anybody!
No more guilt, high expectations or putting yourself under pressure!

Big heaps of luv, hugs and cookies from the other end of the world.

Oh, wow! Thank you for your very bolstering comment! *g*

one of the most important vids I'v come across this year. You managed to put your motivations, intentions and considerations into words so well and I learnt so much from this commentary that it most definately should count.
Oh wow! That's amazing! It was so personal to me it was hard to see outside my head, but I do actually get what you're saying about reflection in vidding and I agree that it is very gratifying to find good vid commentaries. (

vid_commentary gave me a reason to keep going this year when I was despairing.)

vidding a show that I do not feel overly fannish about is easier because I feel less restricted by canon, fandom opinion and my reading of the show. I am free to play with the characters and have some fun....
I love that idea! I think if I'd started out that way I would feel the same way. Perhaps I need to embrace it... I think the problem for me is that I'm used to vidding with a strong emotional connection to a show and lots of background in meta, so I feel anchorless and uncertain when I don't have that. The self-doubt is a lot stronger. But thank you for showing me how I could switch around my attitude and see it as freeing.

I just have to look at the Box Office top ten, music charts and - some - elections to remind myself that what most people want is not necessarily high quality...
Hahaha, yeah, I know, right? I seriously had this breakthrough moment where I thought 'why would vids be any different to music, movies, other cultural expressions...?' As with those forms, there are some pieces which are commonly cited as the 'best' which I do agree are masterful and there are a whole heap of pieces that don't interest me in the slightest--either because they're not my aesthetic, not my fandom, not my sense of humour, not my politics, etc.

a lot of the other stuff that came out of Vividcon turned me really off vidding as a community and I was close to just turning around and walking away. Your post was one of the few that seemed to come from a place of balance, reflection and reason
Oh, thank you so much! I'm so glad, I still worry that I came off as just spewing out a bunch of random rants. But really I'd been thinking about a lot of things for months. Don't worry though--I am definitely glad I did it. It was terribly important to me personally to speak honestly within the fandom (and to own any mistakes I made in doing so). It was also really encouraging and liberating to hear from so many other people.

Hee hee, hugs and cookies gratefully accepted! Thank you so much for responding, even pre-coffee. *sips mine*

::hugs:: I'm sorry it was such a sucky year for you. I wish I'd known what you were going through, because I totally would have offered help -- without strings even. In fact, fuck it, I'm offering help NOW if you want it. I will cheerfully talk to you about vidding at any time, in your journal, over email, in chat, whatev. I LOVE talking about vidding. I'm not certain there's anything I can actually teach you that you don't already know, but I am certainly willing to try! And feel free to ask for beta at any time. I can't always do it, depending on my schedule, but I love to beta and am always happy to be asked. (:

I fully support your plans for 2010!

Oh, Laura, you are SO LOVELY! *hugs* That just fills my heart with joy! I would be so honoured to have you beta some time! It was part of my plan to try and be more brave with approaching people about betaing, but it does help immensely to hear you won't immediately dismiss requests. ;) (I'm sure there is tons you could teach me actually--and you vid on a Mac! But I shall try not to pester you with too many questions.)

::hugs you MORE::

Immediately dismiss beta requests? Are there vidders who do that? I've never heard of such a thing! Even when I was just starting out, nobody ever ignored my beta requests. Sometimes people are busy, that's normal. But I can't imagine being turned down flat.

At any rate, yes, I will cheerfully beta for you. And feel free to pepper me with questions. Did you see the part where I love to talk about vidding? (: IT'S TRUE. Rest assured I will tell you if it gets to be too much. But that's unlikely to happen.

I'm starting to realise how distorted some of my fears are. I know it's common to have fears related to creative activities, but I think my worst ones are actually about other vidders. I seriously get very jittery about approaching anyone. I actually think it didn't help that I was a vid fan and lurked around vidding for years before I vidded myself. It's hard to shake the sense of distance between me and the people I knew as vidders before I ever started.

I will ask next time I have a question!! :D

Ah, vidders are just people. In general, people who are more self-effacing and insecure than the general population, but still just people.

I shall look forward to your future questions!

I know you wanted to push yourself this year and I do get that and would never want to discount such an effort (so long as you don’t define “get better” as “do it more like everyone else”, because sometimes that feels like the default place that everyone is trying to get to and I don’t want vidding fandom to be about that!). But I really think that just jumping in and making some vids is never a bad idea. A lot of growth must just come from getting the viddish creativity flowing so you are thinking in that language, and that’s where the epic ideas come from. /fortune cookie wisdom I know that the kind of help you want/need is not the kind of help inexperienced me can give, but if you ever think I might be helpful for anything just let me know! I think it’s been proven that I am always up for talking about any aspect of vidding or vids or fandom or anything through email or chat or journals. :)

I struggled a lot with shifting from being in fandoms and happening to vid to being in... well, vidding fandom

I can see how this would be really hard. Post-BSG I don’t really consider myself to be “in” any fandom. But I do consider TSCC to be my viddish home, in that it is the primary thing that I am getting ideas for. I need to have something I want to explore with vidding, otherwise I can see how you feel a bit adrift. But often I think that many people feel this way and “vidding fandom” as the kind of thing that people in it seem to define it as just doesn’t exist; it just feels like it exists for everyone but you. And that’s why it can feel so hivemind-y and hard to be a part of.

But I don't think my most popular vids are my best work

Good god me neither. I think it’s awesome when great, smart vids get appreciated, but I tend to think that’s the exception. Personally, I’m pretty sure that what I consider to be my “best” vid this year got the least feedback of all my vids. And there’s feedback from people in the fandom and feedback from other vidders and recs and everything else, and it all means something different. I think there just is no objective measure of a good vid, and nobody can validate your vidding on a large scale and it’s futile to try for that?

And take this FWIW, but what you say about DLZ makes me think of how somewhere along the line I got expectations for audience response that were sort of out of whack. But when someone pointed this out to me, it was good for my perspective-gaining, so I’m going to point it out to you too: Hardly anybody gets the kind or amount of feedback that you think they do get, or should get. Seriously. Go look. Obviously there are exceptions, but some seriously awesome vids and vidders get pretty low amounts of feedback, at least compared to what I assumed. Obviously feedback is not the only measure of appreciation, and I know everyone has different ways to measure a thing like that. On one hand, I do know what you mean because I think all context-heavy TSCC vids have a “small” audience, compared to, say, the annual VVC hits or something like that. But that’s just apples to oranges, you know? Especially if you didn’t post to comms! (Though you should post to comms, because you have just as much right to inhabit this space as anyone else!) So all of this is to say that that vid was awesome and well-received and I am very sad that you feel like it was not appreciated. Though I’m totally with you in always thinking that our “best” vids are underappreciated because everyone should see them, damn it!

I do hope your VVC post helped you some, otherwise I just feel selfish for being glad you made it because it helped me so much. It really broke things open and helped me suss out why I thought the things I perceived, and where I was right and where I was wrong. And being able to unpack and dissect the dynamics and values of that part of the fandom helped me see where they come from and be a lot more objective about all of it, and consequently feel secure in caring less about that and…just making vids. Which I know doesn’t help with finding a place to inhabit, though I do hope you come to feel like you’re finding that place and that it’s within shouting distance of me! :)

I need to have something I want to explore with vidding, otherwise I can see how you feel a bit adrift
Yeah. I have a number of things I *kind of* want to explore but nothing that is really really pulling me, if that makes sense. And there's a lot of dithering around not really vidding as a consequence. When I started out it was far more straight forward--one big idea followed another and they just seemed to arise naturally from being into different things. I think I need to be a little less perfectionist about always wanting to be completely swept away and highly motivated with what I'm making, because like you say just the practice of vidding itself can lead to other ideas.

I must admit I opened your yearly meme and was so amused at how it was the polar opposite of mine! You made a TON of vids! :)

nobody can validate your vidding on a large scale and it’s futile to try for that?
Totally. I think that's one area I'm pretty grounded about--it was a surprise to find I'd started caring at all about what other people think. I think it only really happened because I lost my personal motivation there for a while and so started looking for external motivation instead.

some seriously awesome vids and vidders get pretty low amounts of feedback
Definitely! I think getting a lot of comments is influenced by many other things, not just the quality of the vid.

I'm definitely going to post to comms from now on. I'm really glad I broke down that block. For Capital G it was cool to get direct feedback from the people most squeeful about that particular ship (even though I did not know them).

As for DLZ, it's not really that I feel it wasn't appreciated, just that other vids of mine get way more comments, so it's not at all proportional to the amount of work I've put into it. Really I just nominated it because *I'm* really proud of it and very satisfied with the audience it received, but it's still pretty low profile compared to some other vids of mine.

I can't imagine *not* having made the post and it was something I really needed to do personally so I don't regret it, but looking back it was a really tough thing to do and and it was a hard few weeks after it. It definitely helps to know it helped other people! A few things other people said to me during that time really did shift things for me too and so I hope soon to be in that desirable place of just not stressing about that community stuff, spending time with the people who actually care about me, and actually VIDDING.

You made a TON of vids!

Er, yeah, I think this is its own kind of vidding insanity, or probably more likely, not holding onto some stuff quite long enough. Sometimes I just want to...make and share stuff, even though it's not going to be the Best Thing Ever. Also, fully four of them are in some way about how RDM sucks (though perhaps not to the untrained eye, hee). Rich territory, should you choose to mine it. :)

As for DLZ, it's not really that I feel it wasn't appreciated, just that other vids of mine get way more comments.

That makes a lot of sense. Whenever a vid I like gets less comments than earlier stuff, I go all "but what was wrong with it, even though I know that doesn't have anything to do with it. Knowing these things and feeling them are not the same, for sure.

I don't know... I think I'd be happy to go back to a time when I didn't hang on to stuff for ever slaving over it... one can overthink things. ;)

I'm not actually upset about DLZ, at ALL. It's just objectively less noticed. I don't care. I'm fine with it flying under the radar, actually. ;)

ALSO (unrelated comment and late reply to add!), I forgot twice to say that I really, really hope Vidukon comes together and it is my darling wish to go. Obviously I am nervous about financial constraints and time off work for travel and such when it comes right down to it, but I so hope to swing it. And while I recognize that there's an element of ridiculousness to going to the UK when I won't go to Chicago, equally it's because of the people I know who are going (like you!) and not strictly because of the vidding (though it's the combination that's magic!), so I've talked myself around to that being totally rational. So anyway, belated, contained, tentative *squee* for that idea and for you for being willing to take it on.

Aaaand... an even later reply! :D

It is TOTALLY RATIONAL! Hee! That's really great to hear--I would love to meet you and it would be SO MUCH fun in the UK! It would have the air of added cosmopolitanness if we had more folks flying in from overseas. :) I'm all for it! I know i appear inactive about it right now but the next couple of weeks are ear-marked for some serious planning of both Aus con and UK con. Stay tuned! :)

When a vid matters to ME I will be 100 times more satisfied deep down even if it only gets 10 comments than if a vid that doesn't matter to me gets 100.
That seems to be a lesson a lot of us are learning with these memes. You have to do it for you. Fic or vids, it's the truth. In the end, you have to be happy with what you are creating. It's nice when that dovetails with what your audience likes but it's far, far more important that you like it.

You posted to a comm! And have vidding plans! And you were brave as hell with that post. All of that counts! Yes!

It's interesting that that's a theme of so many people's memes. I did do a lot of productive vidding-related 'work' in 2009, it just didn't translate to many vids. But it's a new year and I'm happy to start it.

I for one admired how you handled yourself so gracefully with your inclusion/exclusion post and then with all the comments. I only wish I had said more in support at the time. ^_^

Wow, thank youi! It was an overwhelming time but I don't regret it. I'm just glad I don't have to live through it again... ;) I didn't mean to sound like I was whining that people weren't more supportive--I did get a lot of support and it meant a lot.

DLZ was huge for me, on several different levels. It was the first time I watched a vid and felt like I truly "got" the meta; it was deep and complex, and yet totally accessible at the same time. What was even more important to me, though, was how welcome you made me feel when I commented on it. I am often intimidated by commenting on vids, so afraid I'll miss the point entirely and then my words will sit there on display, a permanent testament to my lack of insight. You helped me understand that watching a vid isn't about passing some test, it's about embracing what the vid makes me think and feel, even if that's something different from the vision that inspired the vidder. What a liberating realization that was, and you gave that to me!

In addition, DLZ opened my eyes to the intertwined relationships in T:SCC, showed me nuances that I didn't fully appreciate before, and made me love the show even more. And of course it made my heart ache for what we already knew we were losing. It will always stand as a wonderful tribute to a great show. I thank you for everything your amazing vid gave to me.

While I know you may think it a silly bit of fluff compared to some of your other work, I have to tell you how much joy I Kissed a Girl continues to bring me. I watch it over and over, at least once every couple of weeks and often more, especially when I've had a bad day, or when the Smallville fandom wank gets me down. It never fails to put a smile on my face. In showcasing Clark's kisses, you give us some of Tom's best moments onscreen, half hilarious (TW's comic gifts are golden) and half dead sexy, and I never tire of watching your perfect celebration of what I love so much about the man. Plus we get those delicious flashes of the heat between Clark and Lex, and the whole thing is just plain fun. I love it. ♥

The amount of personal growth you've gone through in the past year, or at least that which you've shared here, should make you proud. I suspect more than one person has found inspiration in the choices you've made, and the adventure upon which you've embarked. Most of us never find the courage to discover what makes us truly happy, but retreat instead into the safe arms of what we've always known, or what brings the approval of those around us. I don't comment very much, especially lately (I've been mostly lurking for a while now), but I thoroughly enjoy your voice, and I applaud the way you are always true to yourself. I may not be a part of the vidding community myself, but I know it is infinitely richer for your presence in it.

You helped me understand that watching a vid isn't about passing some test, it's about embracing what the vid makes me think and feel, even if that's something different from the vision that inspired the vidder.
ABSOLUTELY! I am so glad we were able to have that exchange so thank you for taking the leap and posting your feelings. I can remember being nervous commenting on vids myself. But I've always found commenting from the heart to be the best way--that connection between viewer and vid is so precious and different for everyone. And as a vidder I don't know in advance what it will be like for people--that bit of the equation I can't control because everyone brings their own thoughts and feelings to the experience. That's why hearing about it is always great!

It means a lot to me that you love DLZ so much. I poured a lot of myself into the vid, including my sadness that such a great show was ending. I'm really glad that translated for you!

I do have to admit that I rewatch 'I Kissed' a fair bit myself! ;-) It is invariably cheerifying! I think cheerifying vids are very important and I couldn't only make serious vids all the time... that one was the easiest of all my vids to put together, largely because I just had to put together all Tom's brilliance in succession! ;) So it's easy for me to dismiss it but it is a favourite. And I love enjoying rewatching my own vids (rather than feeling how much better they could have been!).

Thank you so much for your comment--it means a lot! I think I've been in a process of redefining who I am now online and how that's shifted a bit, and also how I can spend my time here in the most positive way. And I think part of that is spending it with like-minded people and people who take the time to post such thoughtful comments like this. Thank you and all the best to you for 2010! I think it will be a good year. :)

You didn't think you could post up a 2009 Vidding Meme and not have me comment, right?  2009 was a weird year in some ways; the only vid you made that's from a show I've actually watched consistently is Capital G, but you and I spent a lot of time talking about vidding. That makes 2009 feel like a very strong vidding year from you for me on a personal level.

I had to double check that you really had made and published 3 vids this year, and not more – you've had so many projects in various stages of development that I was sure the true number was more like 5 and 6. Of course, this means that I think you're going to have a bow-wave of vids appearing next year, as all of these partwork projects become complete vids.

Of course, some of the best advice you gave me when I spent six or eight weeks procrastinating about vidding was to just sit down and start vidding. I think there's been so much vidding angst going on at various levels that you've not been able to do exactly that yourself as much... but I can definitely associate with the lack of a defined show-fandom to vid into resulting in a feeling of disconnection. In your case, I think you've always been a great believer in the vidding fandom, but I think it's a very difficult fandom to actually get that feeling of mutual support, encouragement and inclusiveness that something like a big show-specific vidding fandom does. If you vidded BSG, there was always a strong core group out there whose first reaction was "yaaaay!!" and which had things in common with you, something absent from the larger, more general vidding fandom.

And then there's the whole vidding fandom kerfuffle, of course. I think your post was a big watershed event, and I know how much it was preying on your mind; I'm sure it helped a lot of people, even though it also caused a certain amount of upset. It meant a lot to me on a personal level even though I resorted simply to talking to you, rather than making lots of comments on LJ after my first. I think my issue with the vidding fandom boils down to this idea I have that a vidding community should be about vidding, about enjoying vidding and encouraging vidding. The established community that you've wanted so much to be able to find that support network, that inclusive group that wants to help vidders grow and develop their individual visions, isn't what it should be; instead, there seems to be a lot of bitchiness, a lot of politics, a lot of desire to be in control and to be perceived as being the ultra-PC and worthy group. I hate that. The issues going on around your post cemented why I'm never going to be a member of that vidding community, even barring issues like gender. What you've really done this year is similar to what you did last year – you've encouraged others, you've grown as a vidder and you've remained passionately dedicated to vidding. I think those are great things to take forward into 2010!

Now get vidding. I may not have watched TSCC, but it was a powerful vid for me emotionally... that makes it a big success in my book. Make more!

I was sure the true number was more like 5 and 6
I knooooow! I had to check too! It was quite a shock. I don't know about all those part-made vids though... many of them feel like the moment has passed.

to just sit down and start vidding
Ahh, that IS good advice! I really need to start vidding regularly again. i used to just as habit, but then I built up a lot of angst around it.

t's a very difficult fandom to actually get that feeling of mutual support, encouragement and inclusiveness that something like a big show-specific vidding fandom does
Yeah, there's nothing like the cosiness or familiarity or sense of all being invested in the same thing. Yet it feels like there *should* be, and I see plenty of people talk about it as if there is...

I totally agree with you about the vidding fandom/kerfuffle issues. I wouldn't undo what I did, but the emotional journey before and after that post was really disorienting and exhausting (which you know already). At least I have my eyes open now and my naivety gone and I'm a lot more zen. Things are how they are. I can only change my own behaviour and I'm trying.

It's sad and strange that your August post that caused so much mess for you for me was... well... the beginning of starting to sort out some of my problems with being in this community. It isn't permanent, RL stuff complicates so much but I think I have so much more balance about many things, more distance and at least from time to time more self-confidence. One of the most important things I learnt (and I'm pretty sure this isn't what you had in mind:)) was to listen what others say about vidding but not to take everything too seriously. Because it's such an individual process and following other people's way sometimes may take to place you didn't want to be in. However strange this can sounds:) Sometimes the hardest is to trust yourself:)
But I want to know that your post is one of the last year's things I'm very grateful for:)

That's great to hear! I think it was the beginning of sorting stuff out for me too, it was just a really hard thing. But better than remaining stuck! Like you, I'm a lot happier to just follow my own path now. Personally I think I've let go of lots of 'shoulds' that I had bought into from the community.

I'm really glad that other people took positives from it as well.

DLZ IS the shit.

One of the reasons I think it was underappreciated is cause all the vidders were working on VVC SCC Premieres and you know how crazy vidders are (including myself): they won't watch anything they are vidding for VVC. I finally figured that out when I saw all the VVC posts. Alas. Vidder craziness can be such a strange force.

I didn't personally connect with your post-VVC feelings, but I REALLY am super glad that your ultimate decision was to make more things for the community, especially an Aus vid con. Now THAT is a con I'd love to attend someday, whether virtually or in person!

Edited 2010-01-03 17:30 (UTC)

DLZ IS the shit.
Hee hee hee. It's so funny for me to be able to say that comfortably about my own vid, but it's largely because I feel secure that you really liked it--and that was the most important thing. I know I say it's underappreciated but I've actually never been so zen about the reception of any other vid. I know I'm proud of it, I know you liked it... what more do I need? :) And yeah, it was a bad time of year for posting vids. I do find the way Vividcon drives the focus of the online community very annoying that way. Sorry! I'm sure it's fine if you're caught up in it but it is very isolating to those who aren't. *shrug* But again, I'm a lot more zen about that now than I was in August. ;) It's just how things are.

It's pretty scary to go from never attending a con to making one oneself (albeit very small!) but I hope it will be something that others can connect with and ultimately be a new positive thing. I wish it didn't rely on my confidence levels quite so much, but I'm working on it. ;)

The Vividcon schedule does mean that many vidders display particular crazy behaviors at the same time each year, true.

But the vidders are crazy at all times, which is not the fault of VVC--lots of vidders I know will avoid vids in fandoms they are currently vidding, because they don't want to be "tainted" or feel inadequate. I've done it, much to my shame, although I try not to.

Making a vid for someone is a freeing experience. I've made a couple for my best friend, and I've always looked on any other comments I get on those as bonus.

Indeed, it is part of wider vidder!crazy malaise. ;) I avoid viewing vids in the same fandoms I'm vidding too and then catch up after. I don't think it was just the TSCCC vidders that didn't watch or didn't like DLZ though. ;) It's totally ok though because as you say all other comments are only a bonus! :)

I'm just catching up, so this is kinda late for responding to your post, but I wanted to just say that I relate particularly to what you say here:

I'm starting to realise how distorted some of my fears are. I know it's common to have fears related to creative activities, but I think my worst ones are actually about other vidders. I seriously get very jittery about approaching anyone. I actually think it didn't help that I was a vid fan and lurked around vidding for years before I vidded myself. It's hard to shake the sense of distance between me and the people I knew as vidders before I ever started.

I always feel like I don't really belong, cause I was watching vids in lots of random places before I knew anything about LJ. So I do feel like an outsider, which sometimes makes it hard to post or reply to people, even if I am interested in what they are saying. I do feel comfortable making comments about the vids themselves, because I am confident in my opinion, but all the social stuff and fears about what people, who don't even know me must think of me... It's really weird to me how, at 32, I can feel kinda like I'm in high school. Because the truth is, I want to be liked by vidders, especially vidders that I consider amazing artists.
Anyway, fear is a really fraked-up thing, and I truly believe it mostly just gets in the way. But social anxiety, especially, is the worst. So I feel ya. Thanks for always being so open in your posts.

Hey there! Nice to hear from you! :)

I do feel comfortable making comments about the vids themselves, because I am confident in my opinion
Oh yes! Me too. I really relate to that. If anything I think I come over as too opinionated in vidding fandom about the vids themselves because I can always form an articulated position about the vids (though I've learnt to hold my tongue when it's not a wholly positive one!). On the other hand, I am off-the-charts fearful in navigating the social relationships. And hey, we're both 32! But yes, I totally regress to high school anxiety around vidders. I'm working on it, and mostly realising it's all in my head. But some days are better than others. :) I'm also learning to move on when the vidders I admire don't give me the time of day... I may love their vids, but it doesn't mean we click as people. That's a hard lesson because of course I admire people that made the works I love the best, and of course I would like their respect, if not their friendship, but this year I'm resolved to be a grown up about it. *G*

"But yes, I totally regress to high school anxiety around vidders."

For me, it also has to do with the nature of online communication. This is the first time I've participated in any online community. I find it very strange to comment on the personal lives of people I've never seen face to face or that I only met once, even if I am moved by what they say. I feel more comfortable responding to people who use the same icon all the time, because I need something concrete to hold onto, I guess. I don't have a big friend list and I feel weird friending people that I've never met, even if I want to stay up to date on their vids. It's also weird to have access to conversations that are taking place between people who have clearly been friends for a while. There's no sense for a newcomer if commenting will be breaking into a conversation between more intimate friends or not. Ah, well, thus is the nature of LJ. Still getting used to it, I guess.

Oh, that's an interesting point and perspective. For me, it's different for a number of reasons. I've been on LJ a long time, long before I started vidding, but I have only met... 3? ... people on LJ in person, and to a large degree this has always made me feel pretty 'safe' behaving confidently with them. I quickly got used to the degree of sudden intimacy that can fling up on line and just kind of ran with it... but then when I came to actually approach people who I admired as vidders, and when I mentally think about the fact that I could meet the real people behind the online personas one day... well, then I get the jitters! It's kind of easy to hide online, for all that people may appear outgoing and forthcoming with information. I don't really know what it's like to be able to put faces and 'real people' to names, so that aspect of LJ is hidden to me.

I do know what you mean about watching close friends talk 'in public'. I think most people err on the side of caution and don't 'interrupt', but this can limit conversation, especially if it's in response to a post about something up for public discussion. I try to encourage people to jump in in threads, and there are certainly some places online (like big meta discussions) where it's considered more normal than others (like someone's LJ post about their crap day!). But I find this issue PARTICULARLY tough with vidders because so many of them *are* close friends and I think I have put my foot it in some times, while trying to reach out to people. That's one reason I find the vidding community daunting. They all know each other! And there are all these little friendship posses. Completely understandable but daunting for newcomers or habitual individualists like me. ;)

I love your comment about people that use the same icon all the time! That is fascinating. And wow, I suck at doing that. Though I do have a regular default icon I haven't changed for years. Icons are an addiction. ;) But it's a good point. I find some people's icons daunting. They may be really lovely individuals but their icons scare the bejesus out of me! Hee! They probably don't realise, but I'm sure we all send unconscious messages with our icons. That sort of fascinates me.

I might be about to reveal my total ignorance. I feel grounded chatting with you, because I assume that your icons are pictures of you (there are 2 that I remember seeing). Is that crazy? Is it actually from a TV show I don't know?

But either way, use of a single icon does help me, because I can begin to form an image of a person, even if that image is not their actual image.

I'm used to understanding people's words based on body language. You just can't do that here, so I guess icons just give me something to hang onto, even if it is slippery. Makes me feel more comfortable.

I'm curious. Did my icon make you think anything when you first saw it? Be honest, I won't take offense.

Hee! Um, no, my icons are not of me, but you are not the first person to assume that they are... My main one (this one) is of Lois Lane from Smallville. If only I looked like this! They do tend to be brightly coloured, and I like colourful clothes--that's about the only resemblance. ;)

I agree though--a single icon or strong recurring icon, does help me get to know people. And yes, it's kind of the equivalent of body language in real life. I think a lot of us do respond that way, even if we're only semi-conscious of it.

Yeah, your icon made me think you were strong minded and confident. And possibly feminist. ;) I like it, but I don't know the character?

Ha, ha. Now I can tell it is Lois. It's just so small. I was more thinking of the other one I've seen a bunch that has keywords "Sally Sparrow coffee" under your userpics. Those two icons could possible be the same person, and the Sally Sparrow (she's a Doctor Who Character?) one kind of looks like a picture taken by a web camera. I was like, there she is, drinking her coffee while chatting online. I feel so silly now (in a entertained-by-myself way).

Yes, my icon has given the correct impression. The character is Billie Jean Davy from "The Legend of Billie Jean," one of my favorite movies growing up and possibly one of earliest feminist role-models. I do like being represented by her, but that icon could give the impression that I am harder or tougher than I actually am.

Yes, Sally Sparrow (from Doctor Who)! I do use that one a lot in vidding fandom... because it has a cosy 'we're having a chat over a cup of coffee' feeling to it. ;) I wish I looked like actress Carey Mulligan, but alas no!

that icon could give the impression that I am harder or tougher than I actually am
That could be a good thing online. ;) I don't know... everyone's different. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and people see that regardless of the icons I use, I think, but I do mix 'em up depending on context and my emotional state and/or the message I want to send.

You may be interested to hear that someone once thought I was upset because of the facial expression of a person in my icon. I wasn't. I deleted that icon--what I'd taken as a comedic expression was read by others as scepticism and gave the wrong impression. So body language does count online!

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2009 Vidding Meme

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Boppy, my very own Hero of Canton...

Re: Boppy, my very own Hero of Canton...

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