2009 Vidding Meme

[bop_radar]

Squeezing in under the bell for 2009...

Summary: My third year of vidding was a bitch. :(

Vids made in 2009, by date of completion
OMG YOU GUYS, I ONLY MADE THREE FUCKING VIDS. NO WONDER I'M SO MISERABLE!!!

OK, I also made a vidlet and a few commentaries but they don't really count...

June = DLZ (Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, ensemble) BLESS ITS COTTON SOCKS.

August = Hooker (Gossip Girl, Jenny-mocking) Fun but no one watched. *shrug* I like vidding for small markets, I think.

November = Capital G (True Blood, Eric/Godric) Meh. But people liked it = yay!

That is SERIOUSLY UNDERWHELMING. I hadn't even realised! I mean I know I've felt really stalled with my vidding but I think the number of unfinished vids on my harddrive has been disguising the truth from me somewhat.

The rest of this meme is going to be seriously boring! It can be summed up by saying that I think DLZ is THE SHIT as far as my vidding goes.

I vote DLZ my most underappreciated vid because it is AWESOME, people. Seriously, you don't know what you are missing... :p Nah, it's not for everyone and I am really totally fine with that. I heart its small fanbase to pieces. It was also the hardest vid, though Capital G proved deceptively so as well--it was meant to be my light, throwaway piece but then demanded more than I felt I had as a vidder. :/

Hooker is interesting to read as the most unintentionally telling vid. It's really just a silly bit of fun (though I love that it pissed someone off so much they gave it one star on YouTube! *g*), but it does reflect the fact that I lost my emotional centre in terms of where I vid from. I didn't have love for ANYTHING in August this year, but I did have a fair bit of bitchiness. ;) And I hate social climbers. Gah.

Biggest vid fail
Hahaha, can the whole year be fail? I think a lot was going on for me creatively and personally and it feels like 2009 was a transition year for me. I struggled a lot with shifting from being in fandoms and happening to vid to being in... well, vidding fandom, I guess, since I don't really *have* an active fandom any more. (BSG broke me, Smallville derailed.) Turns out that is a LOT less fun. (Personal opinion, obviously) I also started the year absolutely batshit desparate to learn more and grow as a vidder and I learnt absolutely f-all. I blamed myself for nine tenths of the year and vidding fandom for about a tenth (yeah, that wasn't very nice of me--it's not like vidding fandom owes me shit, but I was BITTER and THWARTED, goddamn it!). In the end, I turned down the one offer I got of help because it would have come with strings, and I am happy with my decision on that, but I'm still left thinking 'hmm, how DO I actually get better at this?' In the last month or so this is starting to shift into 'oh fuck getting better at it, just make some vids! Stop being a perfectionist bitch!'

What this meme does not cover
I actually think I had a lot of breakthroughs in 2009 that are not apparent in my vidding yet. One was realising that vidding really mattered to me--mattered enough to stay here in fandom even without a fandom, mattered enough to put up with crazy politics and elitism, mattered enough to keep trying to do something more positive with myself even when I was really miserable and sad. It was actually really hard to admit that vidding meant that much to me. I had to admit to myself I was heartbroken to miss Vividcon, that I was lonely in the fandom, that I had no idea how to *be* in the fandom really... and all at a time when I had less motivation to vid than ever before and when everything I felt inspired to vid (mostly very dark, vitriolic BSG) was nothing anyone would want to watch. It was very confusing.

Then I think I had a huge breakthrough about audiences. I had always been puzzled by the way popularity works for vids, and I guess I'd bought in without realising it to the idea that the more popular your vid was, the better it was. I can say definitively and with my whole heart now: I don't think that is the case AT ALL. I guess I always knew that yet I sort of still wanted popularity? Now? I really don't. I got more satisfaction out of making vids with very specific audiences in mind this year than I did out of going for huge popular audiences in the past. When a vid matters to ME I will be 100 times more satisfied deep down even if it only gets 10 comments than if a vid that doesn't matter to me gets 100. I don't mind in the slightest if people disagree with me but I don't think my most popular vids are my best work, and I wouldn't be surprised if there are other vidders out there who find the same thing. I've made peace with that and I am happy with my decision not to send DLZ to Vividcon where it would have been constructed as a failure rather than safe in my heart where it is my only real accomplishment of the year.

Then there was all the social stuff... Gah. So I made that really controversial post after Vividcon. It was important to me in terms of being honest in the fandom, but I did NOT realise how big it was going to get. I kind of thought (oh so naive) that there would be other posts dealing with other aspects of the inclusion/exclusion issue (most of which are much more important than my little personal gripes) but alas, instead, my post kind of fell in the spotlight. I really wish more people at spoken up, but I also learnt just how scared people are. The amount of anon and private messages I received in those couple of weeks was startling.

After that I felt a lot of guilt and at the same time I felt like I could do something positive to help the community, regardless of how well my vidding went, and I want to carry that (though not the guilt!) forward into 2010. It was a real 'no one else will be bothered so just do it yourself thing'. So... the plan is vid chats up and running again, organise an Aus vidding get-together, potentially organise a UK gettogether for Mar/Apr 11. I've got to say that is REALLY daunting. I don't really have the self-belief required yet, I think, but somehow I have to find it. I do have the will, so I guess I hope stubbornness will get me over the line? o.O

I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. I think that's the biggest challenge for me in the year ahead. Basically after my big controversial post I just heaped all the problems on myself and have felt really overwhelmed as a consequence. I feel constantly guilty that I'm not helping people, and ironically that just makes me more likely to avoid doing the things I wanted to do to help. I need to get out of that mindset somehow or I won't accomplish anything.

On a final, minor-sounding but actually major point: I posted a vid to a comm for the first time and it was a great experience. :) That was a block I used to have!

For 2010
I want to make some vids. Ones I like. I want to stop procrastinating. May 2010 be Bop's Year of Vidding Productivity!

Comments

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

Well first off, I LOVE DLZ. I have a horrible feeling I may have failed to comment and tell you at the time (it was a crazy time of year for me) but that's my bad and dude, it's awesome. I can't imagine how it would have been construed as a failure at VVC, but if you say it would have been then power to you for keeping it safe elsewhere because it's one of my favourite TSCC vids ever. <3

I also wanted to say I really understand the problems with vidding with no fandom. It's really tough. I've largely been avoiding that issue so far by very slowly creeping away from BSG (which broke my heart too), but my response to its Epic Failure was to, um, go kind of insane and try to reclaim it with various vid-related shenanigans (including Very Bitter Stuff - srsly, if you make those vids, I can promise you at least Four Whole People who will be excited about it!) rather than running and hiding, but I'd be lying if I said my first impulse wasn't exactly that.

I'm glad to hear that vidding is important to you; I want to see more vids from you! But I understand how hard it is to learn to function in the vidding community rather than as a vidder in a particular fandom; it's not a transition I've managed in anything but the smallest ways, and I would be okay with that...if I had a fandom. But I do think it sounds like yeah, you've been doing so much positive thinking about what's going on that you'll be better placed to do what you want to do in 2010 - to make all this work for you somehow.

Re: Vidukon. I am not the most organised person in the world, and have certainly never tried help out with anything as big as this before, but I'm gonna put it out there and say, if you need help with stuff, let me know if there's anything I can do? I'm not exactly sure what you WOULD need help with, but, um, I want to offer practical help anyway. It's something I'd be interested in attending and therefore interested in helping make happen. Probably you already have UK-based people helping out and I will not be in the slightest offended if you don't get in touch as a non-specific offer of some-type-of-help isn't exactly all that useful. But it is sincere. So if there's anything you need anyone to check out or do to help with this, let me know and I'll see what I can do. Plus on the offchance it happens in Cardiff (which I by no means expect, even though obviously I'd be excited by that), I do live here so I might be able to help in various practical ways with that even if just by offering to meet people at train/coach stations and playing sherpa to get them to wherever the venue is.

Boppy, my very own Hero of Canton...

[amnisias.livejournal.com]

Just woke up, sitting over my first mug of coffee of the day while trawling the net and waiting to wake up...but this needs a response. I am a complete newbie in this community and therefor my perspective might differ from other people's, but here are my thoughts on your meme:

[q]OK, I also made a vidlet and a few commentaries but they don't really count...[/q]

To me your commentary to Middleman was one of the most important vids I'v come across this year. You managed to put your motivations, intentions and considerations into words so well and I learnt so much from this commentary that it most definately should count. To me, vidding is not just about making vids, it is a very reflective activity, reflection on a show, reflection on fandoms and reflection on one self. However, the reflection is often more implicit than explicit and therefor I value good commentaries more than good vids.

[q]Hooker (...)does reflect the fact that I lost my emotional centre in terms of where I vid from.[/q] Following on what I said above I admire the fact that your vids do not only reflect on the shows you vid but also on where you are at as a vidder!(And it's a fun vid to watch!!!!)

[q] I struggled a lot with shifting from being in fandoms and happening to vid to being in... well, vidding fandom, I guess, since I don't really *have* an active fandom any more.[/q]

I find this interesting since I found that vidding a show that I do not feel overly fannish about is easier because I feel less restricted by canon, fandom opinion and my reading of the show. I am free to play with the characters and have some fun.... But I get how not having a strong connection to a character or a show puts you in a totally different place as a vidder and can be a really lonely place. Can I offer you a box full of hugs and also say: I am dying to see loads of dark, vitriolic BSG vids from you.....

[q] Then I think I had a huge breakthrough about audiences. I had always been puzzled by the way popularity works for vids, and I guess I'd bought in without realising it to the idea that the more popular your vid was, the better it was. I can say definitively and with my whole heart now: I don't think that is the case AT ALL.[/q]

I so with you on that one. I just have to look at the Box Office top ten, music charts and - some - elections to remind myself that what most people want is not necessarily high quality...

[q]Then there was all the social stuff... Gah.[/q]

I am so sorry to hear that this was a negative experience for you. For you post was very important, as a newbie the a lot of the other stuff that came out of Vividcon turned me really off vidding as a community and I was close to just turning around and walking away. Your post was one of the few that seemed to come from a place of balance, reflection and reason (rather than politics, hype and hostility) that I really could relate to. Unfortunately the net has a tendency to hone in on a individual posts/people and make them into champions of a cause without there consent, and I am really sorry that it was an uncomfortable experience for you rather than empowering. Your remark that you wished that more people had spoken out publicly actually prompted me to respond to your post, being mindful that my outsider voice does not carry any particular umphhh...

So, to bring an over-long, rambling post to it's overdue end:
Have fun with whatever you do!
You don't owe anything to anybody!
No more guilt, high expectations or putting yourself under pressure!

Big heaps of luv, hugs and cookies from the other end of the world.

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

::hugs:: I'm sorry it was such a sucky year for you. I wish I'd known what you were going through, because I totally would have offered help -- without strings even. In fact, fuck it, I'm offering help NOW if you want it. I will cheerfully talk to you about vidding at any time, in your journal, over email, in chat, whatev. I LOVE talking about vidding. I'm not certain there's anything I can actually teach you that you don't already know, but I am certainly willing to try! And feel free to ask for beta at any time. I can't always do it, depending on my schedule, but I love to beta and am always happy to be asked. (:

I fully support your plans for 2010!

[chaila43.livejournal.com]

I know you wanted to push yourself this year and I do get that and would never want to discount such an effort (so long as you don’t define “get better” as “do it more like everyone else”, because sometimes that feels like the default place that everyone is trying to get to and I don’t want vidding fandom to be about that!). But I really think that just jumping in and making some vids is never a bad idea. A lot of growth must just come from getting the viddish creativity flowing so you are thinking in that language, and that’s where the epic ideas come from. /fortune cookie wisdom I know that the kind of help you want/need is not the kind of help inexperienced me can give, but if you ever think I might be helpful for anything just let me know! I think it’s been proven that I am always up for talking about any aspect of vidding or vids or fandom or anything through email or chat or journals. :)

I struggled a lot with shifting from being in fandoms and happening to vid to being in... well, vidding fandom

I can see how this would be really hard. Post-BSG I don’t really consider myself to be “in” any fandom. But I do consider TSCC to be my viddish home, in that it is the primary thing that I am getting ideas for. I need to have something I want to explore with vidding, otherwise I can see how you feel a bit adrift. But often I think that many people feel this way and “vidding fandom” as the kind of thing that people in it seem to define it as just doesn’t exist; it just feels like it exists for everyone but you. And that’s why it can feel so hivemind-y and hard to be a part of.

But I don't think my most popular vids are my best work

Good god me neither. I think it’s awesome when great, smart vids get appreciated, but I tend to think that’s the exception. Personally, I’m pretty sure that what I consider to be my “best” vid this year got the least feedback of all my vids. And there’s feedback from people in the fandom and feedback from other vidders and recs and everything else, and it all means something different. I think there just is no objective measure of a good vid, and nobody can validate your vidding on a large scale and it’s futile to try for that?

And take this FWIW, but what you say about DLZ makes me think of how somewhere along the line I got expectations for audience response that were sort of out of whack. But when someone pointed this out to me, it was good for my perspective-gaining, so I’m going to point it out to you too: Hardly anybody gets the kind or amount of feedback that you think they do get, or should get. Seriously. Go look. Obviously there are exceptions, but some seriously awesome vids and vidders get pretty low amounts of feedback, at least compared to what I assumed. Obviously feedback is not the only measure of appreciation, and I know everyone has different ways to measure a thing like that. On one hand, I do know what you mean because I think all context-heavy TSCC vids have a “small” audience, compared to, say, the annual VVC hits or something like that. But that’s just apples to oranges, you know? Especially if you didn’t post to comms! (Though you should post to comms, because you have just as much right to inhabit this space as anyone else!) So all of this is to say that that vid was awesome and well-received and I am very sad that you feel like it was not appreciated. Though I’m totally with you in always thinking that our “best” vids are underappreciated because everyone should see them, damn it!

I do hope your VVC post helped you some, otherwise I just feel selfish for being glad you made it because it helped me so much. It really broke things open and helped me suss out why I thought the things I perceived, and where I was right and where I was wrong. And being able to unpack and dissect the dynamics and values of that part of the fandom helped me see where they come from and be a lot more objective about all of it, and consequently feel secure in caring less about that and…just making vids. Which I know doesn’t help with finding a place to inhabit, though I do hope you come to feel like you’re finding that place and that it’s within shouting distance of me! :)

[daybreak777.livejournal.com]

When a vid matters to ME I will be 100 times more satisfied deep down even if it only gets 10 comments than if a vid that doesn't matter to me gets 100.
That seems to be a lesson a lot of us are learning with these memes. You have to do it for you. Fic or vids, it's the truth. In the end, you have to be happy with what you are creating. It's nice when that dovetails with what your audience likes but it's far, far more important that you like it.

You posted to a comm! And have vidding plans! And you were brave as hell with that post. All of that counts! Yes!

[rhoboat.livejournal.com]

I for one admired how you handled yourself so gracefully with your inclusion/exclusion post and then with all the comments. I only wish I had said more in support at the time. ^_^

[tariel22.livejournal.com]

DLZ was huge for me, on several different levels. It was the first time I watched a vid and felt like I truly "got" the meta; it was deep and complex, and yet totally accessible at the same time. What was even more important to me, though, was how welcome you made me feel when I commented on it. I am often intimidated by commenting on vids, so afraid I'll miss the point entirely and then my words will sit there on display, a permanent testament to my lack of insight. You helped me understand that watching a vid isn't about passing some test, it's about embracing what the vid makes me think and feel, even if that's something different from the vision that inspired the vidder. What a liberating realization that was, and you gave that to me!

In addition, DLZ opened my eyes to the intertwined relationships in T:SCC, showed me nuances that I didn't fully appreciate before, and made me love the show even more. And of course it made my heart ache for what we already knew we were losing. It will always stand as a wonderful tribute to a great show. I thank you for everything your amazing vid gave to me.

While I know you may think it a silly bit of fluff compared to some of your other work, I have to tell you how much joy I Kissed a Girl continues to bring me. I watch it over and over, at least once every couple of weeks and often more, especially when I've had a bad day, or when the Smallville fandom wank gets me down. It never fails to put a smile on my face. In showcasing Clark's kisses, you give us some of Tom's best moments onscreen, half hilarious (TW's comic gifts are golden) and half dead sexy, and I never tire of watching your perfect celebration of what I love so much about the man. Plus we get those delicious flashes of the heat between Clark and Lex, and the whole thing is just plain fun. I love it. ♥

The amount of personal growth you've gone through in the past year, or at least that which you've shared here, should make you proud. I suspect more than one person has found inspiration in the choices you've made, and the adventure upon which you've embarked. Most of us never find the courage to discover what makes us truly happy, but retreat instead into the safe arms of what we've always known, or what brings the approval of those around us. I don't comment very much, especially lately (I've been mostly lurking for a while now), but I thoroughly enjoy your voice, and I applaud the way you are always true to yourself. I may not be a part of the vidding community myself, but I know it is infinitely richer for your presence in it.

[brokenmnemonic.livejournal.com]

You didn't think you could post up a 2009 Vidding Meme and not have me comment, right?  2009 was a weird year in some ways; the only vid you made that's from a show I've actually watched consistently is Capital G, but you and I spent a lot of time talking about vidding. That makes 2009 feel like a very strong vidding year from you for me on a personal level.

I had to double check that you really had made and published 3 vids this year, and not more – you've had so many projects in various stages of development that I was sure the true number was more like 5 and 6. Of course, this means that I think you're going to have a bow-wave of vids appearing next year, as all of these partwork projects become complete vids.

Of course, some of the best advice you gave me when I spent six or eight weeks procrastinating about vidding was to just sit down and start vidding. I think there's been so much vidding angst going on at various levels that you've not been able to do exactly that yourself as much... but I can definitely associate with the lack of a defined show-fandom to vid into resulting in a feeling of disconnection. In your case, I think you've always been a great believer in the vidding fandom, but I think it's a very difficult fandom to actually get that feeling of mutual support, encouragement and inclusiveness that something like a big show-specific vidding fandom does. If you vidded BSG, there was always a strong core group out there whose first reaction was "yaaaay!!" and which had things in common with you, something absent from the larger, more general vidding fandom.

And then there's the whole vidding fandom kerfuffle, of course. I think your post was a big watershed event, and I know how much it was preying on your mind; I'm sure it helped a lot of people, even though it also caused a certain amount of upset. It meant a lot to me on a personal level even though I resorted simply to talking to you, rather than making lots of comments on LJ after my first. I think my issue with the vidding fandom boils down to this idea I have that a vidding community should be about vidding, about enjoying vidding and encouraging vidding. The established community that you've wanted so much to be able to find that support network, that inclusive group that wants to help vidders grow and develop their individual visions, isn't what it should be; instead, there seems to be a lot of bitchiness, a lot of politics, a lot of desire to be in control and to be perceived as being the ultra-PC and worthy group. I hate that. The issues going on around your post cemented why I'm never going to be a member of that vidding community, even barring issues like gender. What you've really done this year is similar to what you did last year – you've encouraged others, you've grown as a vidder and you've remained passionately dedicated to vidding. I think those are great things to take forward into 2010!

Now get vidding. I may not have watched TSCC, but it was a powerful vid for me emotionally... that makes it a big success in my book. Make more!

[diarmi.livejournal.com]

It's sad and strange that your August post that caused so much mess for you for me was... well... the beginning of starting to sort out some of my problems with being in this community. It isn't permanent, RL stuff complicates so much but I think I have so much more balance about many things, more distance and at least from time to time more self-confidence. One of the most important things I learnt (and I'm pretty sure this isn't what you had in mind:)) was to listen what others say about vidding but not to take everything too seriously. Because it's such an individual process and following other people's way sometimes may take to place you didn't want to be in. However strange this can sounds:) Sometimes the hardest is to trust yourself:)
But I want to know that your post is one of the last year's things I'm very grateful for:)

[counteragent.livejournal.com]

DLZ IS the shit.

One of the reasons I think it was underappreciated is cause all the vidders were working on VVC SCC Premieres and you know how crazy vidders are (including myself): they won't watch anything they are vidding for VVC. I finally figured that out when I saw all the VVC posts. Alas. Vidder craziness can be such a strange force.

I didn't personally connect with your post-VVC feelings, but I REALLY am super glad that your ultimate decision was to make more things for the community, especially an Aus vid con. Now THAT is a con I'd love to attend someday, whether virtually or in person!

[stacialy.livejournal.com]

I'm just catching up, so this is kinda late for responding to your post, but I wanted to just say that I relate particularly to what you say here:

I'm starting to realise how distorted some of my fears are. I know it's common to have fears related to creative activities, but I think my worst ones are actually about other vidders. I seriously get very jittery about approaching anyone. I actually think it didn't help that I was a vid fan and lurked around vidding for years before I vidded myself. It's hard to shake the sense of distance between me and the people I knew as vidders before I ever started.

I always feel like I don't really belong, cause I was watching vids in lots of random places before I knew anything about LJ. So I do feel like an outsider, which sometimes makes it hard to post or reply to people, even if I am interested in what they are saying. I do feel comfortable making comments about the vids themselves, because I am confident in my opinion, but all the social stuff and fears about what people, who don't even know me must think of me... It's really weird to me how, at 32, I can feel kinda like I'm in high school. Because the truth is, I want to be liked by vidders, especially vidders that I consider amazing artists.
Anyway, fear is a really fraked-up thing, and I truly believe it mostly just gets in the way. But social anxiety, especially, is the worst. So I feel ya. Thanks for always being so open in your posts.