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2009 Vidding Meme
Squeezing in under the bell for 2009...
Summary: My third year of vidding was a bitch. :(
Vids made in 2009, by date of completion
OMG YOU GUYS, I ONLY MADE THREE FUCKING VIDS. NO WONDER I'M SO MISERABLE!!!
OK, I also made a vidlet and a few commentaries but they don't really count...
June = DLZ (Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, ensemble) BLESS ITS COTTON SOCKS.
August = Hooker (Gossip Girl, Jenny-mocking) Fun but no one watched. *shrug* I like vidding for small markets, I think.
November = Capital G (True Blood, Eric/Godric) Meh. But people liked it = yay!
That is SERIOUSLY UNDERWHELMING. I hadn't even realised! I mean I know I've felt really stalled with my vidding but I think the number of unfinished vids on my harddrive has been disguising the truth from me somewhat.
The rest of this meme is going to be seriously boring! It can be summed up by saying that I think DLZ is THE SHIT as far as my vidding goes.
I vote DLZ my most underappreciated vid because it is AWESOME, people. Seriously, you don't know what you are missing... :p Nah, it's not for everyone and I am really totally fine with that. I heart its small fanbase to pieces. It was also the hardest vid, though Capital G proved deceptively so as well--it was meant to be my light, throwaway piece but then demanded more than I felt I had as a vidder. :/
Hooker is interesting to read as the most unintentionally telling vid. It's really just a silly bit of fun (though I love that it pissed someone off so much they gave it one star on YouTube! *g*), but it does reflect the fact that I lost my emotional centre in terms of where I vid from. I didn't have love for ANYTHING in August this year, but I did have a fair bit of bitchiness. ;) And I hate social climbers. Gah.
Biggest vid fail
Hahaha, can the whole year be fail? I think a lot was going on for me creatively and personally and it feels like 2009 was a transition year for me. I struggled a lot with shifting from being in fandoms and happening to vid to being in... well, vidding fandom, I guess, since I don't really *have* an active fandom any more. (BSG broke me, Smallville derailed.) Turns out that is a LOT less fun. (Personal opinion, obviously) I also started the year absolutely batshit desparate to learn more and grow as a vidder and I learnt absolutely f-all. I blamed myself for nine tenths of the year and vidding fandom for about a tenth (yeah, that wasn't very nice of me--it's not like vidding fandom owes me shit, but I was BITTER and THWARTED, goddamn it!). In the end, I turned down the one offer I got of help because it would have come with strings, and I am happy with my decision on that, but I'm still left thinking 'hmm, how DO I actually get better at this?' In the last month or so this is starting to shift into 'oh fuck getting better at it, just make some vids! Stop being a perfectionist bitch!'
What this meme does not cover
I actually think I had a lot of breakthroughs in 2009 that are not apparent in my vidding yet. One was realising that vidding really mattered to me--mattered enough to stay here in fandom even without a fandom, mattered enough to put up with crazy politics and elitism, mattered enough to keep trying to do something more positive with myself even when I was really miserable and sad. It was actually really hard to admit that vidding meant that much to me. I had to admit to myself I was heartbroken to miss Vividcon, that I was lonely in the fandom, that I had no idea how to *be* in the fandom really... and all at a time when I had less motivation to vid than ever before and when everything I felt inspired to vid (mostly very dark, vitriolic BSG) was nothing anyone would want to watch. It was very confusing.
Then I think I had a huge breakthrough about audiences. I had always been puzzled by the way popularity works for vids, and I guess I'd bought in without realising it to the idea that the more popular your vid was, the better it was. I can say definitively and with my whole heart now: I don't think that is the case AT ALL. I guess I always knew that yet I sort of still wanted popularity? Now? I really don't. I got more satisfaction out of making vids with very specific audiences in mind this year than I did out of going for huge popular audiences in the past. When a vid matters to ME I will be 100 times more satisfied deep down even if it only gets 10 comments than if a vid that doesn't matter to me gets 100. I don't mind in the slightest if people disagree with me but I don't think my most popular vids are my best work, and I wouldn't be surprised if there are other vidders out there who find the same thing. I've made peace with that and I am happy with my decision not to send DLZ to Vividcon where it would have been constructed as a failure rather than safe in my heart where it is my only real accomplishment of the year.
Then there was all the social stuff... Gah. So I made that really controversial post after Vividcon. It was important to me in terms of being honest in the fandom, but I did NOT realise how big it was going to get. I kind of thought (oh so naive) that there would be other posts dealing with other aspects of the inclusion/exclusion issue (most of which are much more important than my little personal gripes) but alas, instead, my post kind of fell in the spotlight. I really wish more people at spoken up, but I also learnt just how scared people are. The amount of anon and private messages I received in those couple of weeks was startling.
After that I felt a lot of guilt and at the same time I felt like I could do something positive to help the community, regardless of how well my vidding went, and I want to carry that (though not the guilt!) forward into 2010. It was a real 'no one else will be bothered so just do it yourself thing'. So... the plan is vid chats up and running again, organise an Aus vidding get-together, potentially organise a UK gettogether for Mar/Apr 11. I've got to say that is REALLY daunting. I don't really have the self-belief required yet, I think, but somehow I have to find it. I do have the will, so I guess I hope stubbornness will get me over the line? o.O
I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. I think that's the biggest challenge for me in the year ahead. Basically after my big controversial post I just heaped all the problems on myself and have felt really overwhelmed as a consequence. I feel constantly guilty that I'm not helping people, and ironically that just makes me more likely to avoid doing the things I wanted to do to help. I need to get out of that mindset somehow or I won't accomplish anything.
On a final, minor-sounding but actually major point: I posted a vid to a comm for the first time and it was a great experience. :) That was a block I used to have!
For 2010
I want to make some vids. Ones I like. I want to stop procrastinating. May 2010 be Bop's Year of Vidding Productivity!
Summary: My third year of vidding was a bitch. :(
Vids made in 2009, by date of completion
OMG YOU GUYS, I ONLY MADE THREE FUCKING VIDS. NO WONDER I'M SO MISERABLE!!!
OK, I also made a vidlet and a few commentaries but they don't really count...
June = DLZ (Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, ensemble) BLESS ITS COTTON SOCKS.
August = Hooker (Gossip Girl, Jenny-mocking) Fun but no one watched. *shrug* I like vidding for small markets, I think.
November = Capital G (True Blood, Eric/Godric) Meh. But people liked it = yay!
That is SERIOUSLY UNDERWHELMING. I hadn't even realised! I mean I know I've felt really stalled with my vidding but I think the number of unfinished vids on my harddrive has been disguising the truth from me somewhat.
The rest of this meme is going to be seriously boring! It can be summed up by saying that I think DLZ is THE SHIT as far as my vidding goes.
I vote DLZ my most underappreciated vid because it is AWESOME, people. Seriously, you don't know what you are missing... :p Nah, it's not for everyone and I am really totally fine with that. I heart its small fanbase to pieces. It was also the hardest vid, though Capital G proved deceptively so as well--it was meant to be my light, throwaway piece but then demanded more than I felt I had as a vidder. :/
Hooker is interesting to read as the most unintentionally telling vid. It's really just a silly bit of fun (though I love that it pissed someone off so much they gave it one star on YouTube! *g*), but it does reflect the fact that I lost my emotional centre in terms of where I vid from. I didn't have love for ANYTHING in August this year, but I did have a fair bit of bitchiness. ;) And I hate social climbers. Gah.
Biggest vid fail
Hahaha, can the whole year be fail? I think a lot was going on for me creatively and personally and it feels like 2009 was a transition year for me. I struggled a lot with shifting from being in fandoms and happening to vid to being in... well, vidding fandom, I guess, since I don't really *have* an active fandom any more. (BSG broke me, Smallville derailed.) Turns out that is a LOT less fun. (Personal opinion, obviously) I also started the year absolutely batshit desparate to learn more and grow as a vidder and I learnt absolutely f-all. I blamed myself for nine tenths of the year and vidding fandom for about a tenth (yeah, that wasn't very nice of me--it's not like vidding fandom owes me shit, but I was BITTER and THWARTED, goddamn it!). In the end, I turned down the one offer I got of help because it would have come with strings, and I am happy with my decision on that, but I'm still left thinking 'hmm, how DO I actually get better at this?' In the last month or so this is starting to shift into 'oh fuck getting better at it, just make some vids! Stop being a perfectionist bitch!'
What this meme does not cover
I actually think I had a lot of breakthroughs in 2009 that are not apparent in my vidding yet. One was realising that vidding really mattered to me--mattered enough to stay here in fandom even without a fandom, mattered enough to put up with crazy politics and elitism, mattered enough to keep trying to do something more positive with myself even when I was really miserable and sad. It was actually really hard to admit that vidding meant that much to me. I had to admit to myself I was heartbroken to miss Vividcon, that I was lonely in the fandom, that I had no idea how to *be* in the fandom really... and all at a time when I had less motivation to vid than ever before and when everything I felt inspired to vid (mostly very dark, vitriolic BSG) was nothing anyone would want to watch. It was very confusing.
Then I think I had a huge breakthrough about audiences. I had always been puzzled by the way popularity works for vids, and I guess I'd bought in without realising it to the idea that the more popular your vid was, the better it was. I can say definitively and with my whole heart now: I don't think that is the case AT ALL. I guess I always knew that yet I sort of still wanted popularity? Now? I really don't. I got more satisfaction out of making vids with very specific audiences in mind this year than I did out of going for huge popular audiences in the past. When a vid matters to ME I will be 100 times more satisfied deep down even if it only gets 10 comments than if a vid that doesn't matter to me gets 100. I don't mind in the slightest if people disagree with me but I don't think my most popular vids are my best work, and I wouldn't be surprised if there are other vidders out there who find the same thing. I've made peace with that and I am happy with my decision not to send DLZ to Vividcon where it would have been constructed as a failure rather than safe in my heart where it is my only real accomplishment of the year.
Then there was all the social stuff... Gah. So I made that really controversial post after Vividcon. It was important to me in terms of being honest in the fandom, but I did NOT realise how big it was going to get. I kind of thought (oh so naive) that there would be other posts dealing with other aspects of the inclusion/exclusion issue (most of which are much more important than my little personal gripes) but alas, instead, my post kind of fell in the spotlight. I really wish more people at spoken up, but I also learnt just how scared people are. The amount of anon and private messages I received in those couple of weeks was startling.
After that I felt a lot of guilt and at the same time I felt like I could do something positive to help the community, regardless of how well my vidding went, and I want to carry that (though not the guilt!) forward into 2010. It was a real 'no one else will be bothered so just do it yourself thing'. So... the plan is vid chats up and running again, organise an Aus vidding get-together, potentially organise a UK gettogether for Mar/Apr 11. I've got to say that is REALLY daunting. I don't really have the self-belief required yet, I think, but somehow I have to find it. I do have the will, so I guess I hope stubbornness will get me over the line? o.O
I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. I think that's the biggest challenge for me in the year ahead. Basically after my big controversial post I just heaped all the problems on myself and have felt really overwhelmed as a consequence. I feel constantly guilty that I'm not helping people, and ironically that just makes me more likely to avoid doing the things I wanted to do to help. I need to get out of that mindset somehow or I won't accomplish anything.
On a final, minor-sounding but actually major point: I posted a vid to a comm for the first time and it was a great experience. :) That was a block I used to have!
For 2010
I want to make some vids. Ones I like. I want to stop procrastinating. May 2010 be Bop's Year of Vidding Productivity!
no subject
(I hear even the most action-based TSCC vids elicited groans at VVC.)
Seriously? O_O Wow. That makes me sad inside. *snuggles TSCC vids closer and wishes she had the guts to make one* ONE DAY!
As to BSG it's a tricky question. I can undoubtedly recommend making a ragey vid as a marvelous cathartic experience. I also got a lot of satisfaction from literally re-editing and AU and am now at the point where I'm learning to view every vid I make for the show as a vindication of my show rather than...whatever it was RDM was writing at the end of that trainwreck, but...it's still a process. I cannot say for certain that I found closure. You did what you needed to do at the time. Perhaps at this point you're able to see some of the more negative effects of disengaging completely but at the same time, when you did it, it may have been what you needed. Only idiots keep their hands in scalding water.
So I guess what I'm saying is, if you can never bring yourself to vid BSG again, it's probably not worth forcing the issue. But if you find yourself with something to say in vid form - even, or perhaps especially, something angry and bitter - then say it and you'll probably feel better for it?
Then again, I view my vids as part of my ongoing dialogue with the show just as much as fic or meta or ep reaction posts or any other discussion. Sometimes they are as complex as "SQUEEEE!" or "ARGH!!!!" and sometimes they're so complicated I probably shouldn't be trying to vid it. ;) But...it's just more things I have to "say". I think everyone does this to a degree but I think it's also the depth in which I'm rooted in that approach that maybe makes it so hard to vid without a fandom? Why I don't feel that vidding is my fandom? I feel more that vidding is the way I like to "speak" about my fandom(s)? And again, some shows I have drive-by "HELLO, SQUEE, GOODBYE!" reactions to in vid form (like SW: Clone Wars) and others I have long, loving, angry and complicated conversations with (like BSG).
*waves hands uselessly* In there somewhere is a point about relationships with vids, shows, vidding fandom, BSG fandom and how RDM is a giant jerk but I think I lost the thread...
In sum, vid what you feel like and it will rock. <3
SAME! Gah. The world should make new awesome TV so that we could both feel a lot more comfortable again. ;)
ALSO THIS.
As to Vidukon, firstly YAY! Support for Cardiff! :D But also I agree that probably having a smallish gathering is just fine. It'll keep it less intimidating, easier to organise, mean it's less likely people who want to attend won't be able to. I think it might well also foster a more relaxed atmosphere? I mean, I don't know since I didn't go to the first Vidukon so I don't know what that was like but...just as a random opinion, small isn't bad. I definitely want to go though, and I'm working on at least one and possibly two other people to drag with me (though I am far less certain financial constraints and travel would be feasible for them).
Anyway you're very welcome to the offer for help - it's absolutely my pleasure to do so - just drop me a line when you need something done!
no subject
Hee! I think being picky is a great thing, especially when it comes to a source you really appreciate and have a relationship with. It's an indication you really know both yourself and your taste, and also the source.
That makes me sad inside.
I know! I have to hope it was only a small segment of the audience but it's disheartening to hear... it's still weird to me that TSCC didn't acquire a bigger following, though its fanbase is very loyal so that is nice.
Psst, you should make a TSCC vid!!
Yeah, navigating the whole how-do-we-process-the-BSG-trainwreck thing is really tricky. Every choice has its pros and cons, I think. You should feel proud that you're starting to see your vids as a vindication of *your* BSG--ultimately I'd love to get to such a place, but it's pretty damn hard since the canon veered off so wildly from what I first thought it was.
I feel more that vidding is the way I like to "speak" about my fandom(s)?
Yeah! I think I feel that too! And I found it DEEPLY disorienting to find out that many people who see themselves as being in 'vidding' fandom *don't* really see it that way at all. I also feel like a lot of my vids make best sense within their own fandoms, rather than in a wider context. That may be true for a lot of vidders... but it makes the idea of vidding fandom kind of ... weird.
small isn't bad. I definitely want to go though, and I'm working on at least one and possibly two other people to drag with me
Excellent! I know it's hard for a lot of people to commit definitely and all personal circumstances vary, but I like the idea of a small group too and get the sense it could be a postive thing too.